Mistress Darkness

how do you know the university you are attending is worth shit and certainly not more fees?

You have to walk 15 minutes over icy, slippery paths just to find one open doors, because these motherfucking cocksuckers here are not capable of opening more than one door.

Gosh my lungs hurt, my nose is clogged up and I got a headache. Administration people should be skinned, boiled and quartered!

Hello? Ever heard of a fire? With 99% of the doors logged that is going to be really, really funny. Especially considering how scarce the emergency exits are.

Connection is especially bad in this room, too - can you feel how my mood is improving [/sarcasm]

As the lack of entries is showing I am not in a communicative mood these days.

My first period this year was more awful than anything I have experienced in the last two years. Mood swings, terrible cramps, this depressed feeling days before it even began and constant headaches.

Also I am passed that time frame, I still not really feeling as good as I used to. Maybe because I am eating more unhealthy again and thus not losing any weight. I guess it is the winter that keeps me down. But I try to put some energy in cleaning up my room - from top to bottom. Already discovered stuff I haven't seen in years. But it is so much to do and I am slacking a bit - because I do not feel well - tore something in my neck two days ago and yesterday I had a similiar problem with my back and as a result I slept badly .. ah well ... it will pass, I started to work out a bit - hopefully if I get back to that, I end up feeling altogether better and more energetic.

In the meantime I catch up on watching tv shows ... excellent filler while sorting through stuff and lifting weights.

I am not fast these days - but my head is in desperate need of a good nights sleep in a real bed - not this torture instrument here in my dorm.

Oh well, I finished the semantic assignment (just going to read through it tomorrow) and then I relaxed a bit making a few Dracula: Ascencion Icons but now I should get on with the Essay, but my head is warm and I feel soo unmotivated.

I would take a walk in the cold outside but it is raining and I don't want to catch something on my last 47 hours in England. Yep, in 47 hours I am about to land on German soil. It is not so awful here - but I rather be home and I can not wait till I am back.

Hmm, maybe I do get out and get something unhealthy form the shop. I think I need to save 1 Pound for priting out my essay, assignment and so on *sighs* I got 90 cent left on my account, so that should cover everything. But then again I got enough to eat here and I already had sweet this morning. I guess I still resort to eating when everything else fails.

I rather have nightmares than dreams like tonight. I dreamt about the time when I was on tour with my parents and I woke up in the dream being in our camping van. I soon realised they had not left a key - meaning I could not leave it.

That might sound a bit nightmare like - but when I woke up for real, all I could think about was not how much I hated this time - but how much their work then meant to my parents. Them traveling through Germany with their model train show was something that lasted since I was in kindergarden and only stopped in 2003, when every asshole in the country had a cheaply slapped together stationary model train show.

I might have hated traveling with them or how much time they invested in their work - but those were awesome model train landscapes. Now nearly everything is dismantled and sold off cheaply in parts. I really hope my mom is honest about it does not bother her to destroy all them but I feel it must be awful for both of them. And while I would never wish to going back being cramped up with them in a small camping trailer again, I guess in away I miss those times a bit. Or maybe I just miss being young and hopeful.

Wow just listening to Cher's Believe you know "Do you believe in life after love?" and I wonder "Do I believe anymore in life with love?" Being single is great 90% of the time, I rather be alone than being tied to some stupid asshole.
And yet, there is always the feeling how nice it would be to have someone around to support you emotionally, that you can do stuff with - but do not have to. That is sort of the problem. I do not think I could bear a relationship where the guy comes home every night. Diether Nuhr certainly is right being with someone who is on tour helps the relationship.

I need time for myself but it would also be great to have someone to take care for and have to look after. But I mean and adult someone who enjoys being spoiled a bit from time to time and also likes spoiling me in return. Someone who is his or her own person and sexually compatible with me.

Sometimes, even though I am just 30, I feel like this bitter old harpie and then again, I feel like still being 18. 18 because I am legally unrestricted otherwise I might say 16 or 17. Although I must say, I never really was a typical teenager. If my parents were not so bad a being parents - they would not have had any problems with me. I did not drink, it never occured to me to try other drugs, I always called when I was late knowing they worry, I never had parties at our house when they were gone and I liked going to school. I guess all of that still applies mor or less, I despise alcohol, the only drug I am on is caffeine (bad diet pepsi/pepsi max addiction), I still call to let them know I am okay, if I have a party it is without alcohol and they like my friends for being so quiet and I would not want to become a teacher
if I hated the idea of going to school.

Although I wonder how I will get along with teens today - I could not relate to teens when I was one, so I guess I have to hope for the best.

Wow, my dream began with substituting Bella Swann for Elena (well tv Elena is a total dumb bitch from what I heard so I do not feel bad about that). She tried to find out about some mysterious guy who sort of re-incarnated through the centuries and always gets killed off by the bad guys.

She was standing at the lake and just reveiling to Damon (who looked like the tv version) and a pathetic behaving pod!Stephan that she just found a way to find out more about his latest death were he dies in the lake. Stephan said nobody knew when exactly he died. She was sure she would find out - and in a way that would boos the ratings - because it had to do with sex. Poor girl, jumping naked in a freezing lake has nothing to do with sex. I must thank my dream!Damon for pointing that out. Being a total Mary Sue, she found the skeleton in the like right away.

AFter that I can not remember much of the plot line. At one point, Bellena got mixed in with Bonnie it seems (although I do not know if Bonnie in the tv show also gets prophetic dreams) and it showed her sitting at the shore of a lake and then Klaus (bad vampire form the fourth book) childed her for trying to dream for information and dragged into the lake. Then she ended up in a medieval seeming world and suddenly she was back in highschool.

That was so horrific. There she met her equally braindead bitch girl friends who were as stereotypical hollow, stupid and whatnot and naturally everyone of them was played by an adult actress. *shudders* At least some comfort was a scene at the lake with Damon and a bunny (no not a real bunny, but that is what the dream labled those exchangable girls he met with). He tried to do this sharp finger nail cuts throat thing and she backed up, with just a scratch and said something like: But now know why I am falling in love with you or something. If at all my dream made me more fond of the new Damon, as he killed her nonetheless and drank her dry.

Okay, the bed part was when he came back to the school, Elena found out in th news about the body, she cried and he looked rather guild stricken. Who wants to see that?

I'd rathr see what happened to the stuff he found in the lake which looked like parts of a ship.

I guess what my subconcious was trying to tell me, that I might even care to watch Vampire Diaries if it was not for those awfully written empty headed bitched (like the hysteric cow who slapped him and lived, hello? Not a show I care much about ... first of all the behaviour sucks and secondly a good show with a character that dumb would have killed her off - because they knew their audience would be incapable of accepting such silly behaviour otherwise) and the danger of spikification (you know turning a cool villain like Spike into a wuss) formerly known as pussification.

Yep, my sleep rhythm is totally fucked over. All thanks to that stupid bed. In a good bed I can sleep when I am just a little bit exhausted. In this one only when I am really tired.

The problem is, I can not seem to concentrate on my uni stuff. It is 4.20 am and I am just thinking about what and if I should eat.

I guess I try to finish some fanstuff and see if I can find a bit of peace of mind to work on my important stuff. It is not that much for the weekend - but I would feel better if I got this assignment done.

Also funny - my laptop crashed and totally threw me off. But at least it always comes back alright after shutting it off.

Even though I do not really like the movie, Ledger's Joker always manages to invade my dreams.

This one was really strange, I think my approval for the Sewing Fanlisting had something to do with it. Apparantly I was either working or shopping in a store where you can buy fabrics and stuff, when the Joker showed up there. I do not really recall what happened or if there had been others - I just remember I was picking out fabrics for myself, and he was standing around and talking to me, when someone new came in and found themselves pretty much dead.

Weird as dreams are, somehow this place was a house with a garden and it seemed that it was the hideout of the gang whatever. I think he tried to freak out my dream self, which just stayed calm, no matter what he did, which included close contact with sharp objects. In the dream I fell asleep again, woke up and it seemed that neither he or any of his gang were in sight so I quickly got out of there.

Kind of strange, during my run, the landscape looked sometimes like a half finished modeltrain scape, so really weird. Eventually, I found a phone at some post office (ironically, a typical German one, yellow with huge letters P O S T). There, I took out my purse and wanted to open the compartment with the coins, when I realised it was heavier and better filled than before. I slowly opened it, which was not easy, as some fumes came out. I decided to ask some of the guys who eyed me strangely to open it and threw it over. He just sneered at me, said something about weak girls and then opened it and keeled over as some yellow gas hit him.

Wow, was I glad I did not open that, funny thing is my dream self was not even surprised at that. The real fun part was, that the guy sitting next to the now dead on the floor guy, was the Joker. Which was indeed more worrysome, especially when the location seemed surrounded by more of his thugs. At first he just threatened my dreamself with a gun and then laughed and disappeared out of sight his goons following his example.

Weird or what?

Wow how fast time passes. There is so much I wanted to do besides you know studying - but somehow with the flu and catching up I ended doing almost nothing. I guess I just need to focus for the remaining days.

I need to search for literature for my history term paper for my home university, I need to finish the final Essay for the Austen course, I need to work through the Foundation of Grammar terms to be able to write the test in week 10 and I also have a final exercise to hand in. Then one last assignment for Semantics in Week 10.

However, I want to work a bit on fanlistings and Maratofel as well. I guess, I go by a this for that system. For every real work I do, I do a bit of fun stuff.

Today, I start with cleaning up the place a bit, bringing away bottles to the recyling container, wash my laundry and also type up a few things, so I do not need to bring the papers back with me.

So, today I bought a couple of books for 20 Pound, probably spend about 50 Pounds on amazon for used books and another 40 Pounds for new DVDs and such. But I think it was worth it. I had hoped for a jumble sale and to get some cool books even cheaper but times are hard and rare books that are worth something cost.

So what I got myself today was (apart from birthday presents for friends) is

Invaders from Mary by Ray Garton (the novelisation of a childhood fav)
The first three books of the Mallory Towers series (to Germans better known as Dolly)
A sci-fi Novel by Steve Perry which sounded interesting
A vampire novel(I think it is a one) called the "Light at the end"
A werewolf novel called Wolf Tracks which seemed to be a classical story
A Dark Sun novel called The Verdant Passage
And three others

I also ordered several V books, not all have arrived yet, but some are shipping in from the US.
I'm keen on Pursuit of Dianna, as it is the one I have not in German.
Today the Alien Swordmater arrived which is my favourite from the series.
I got three others and three more on the way.

Otherwise one Shadowrun Novel and one of the Battlestar Galactica Series (the most expensive purchase) but I love this one.

DVDS: Blood Ties Series, Bourne Trilogy, "won't say", Once bitten, Who framed Roger Rabbit, Airplane I and II and Primeval Series 3 (which I haven't seen yet).

I guess apart from Watchmen Director's Cut I am done ordering anything this year.

Well, I know I could have started working on this earlier and not spend so much time playing Civilization or working on my fanfiction and webstuff. However, I am not complaining about the assignment. Tastk 2 is actually something I can do very well and Task 1 should be managable.

As I have to print the out tomorrow at the IT centre - I thought I might book my flight with ryanair and print out my boarding pass (yes, I long to be home for soooo many reasons). What did I realise? For only 35 Euros or Pound (not sure which) I can take along a second piece of luggage with additional 15 kgs! Wow, so I guess I see how many cool stuff I get in the next two week and then I book my flight accordingly. That is too awesome and too cheap to ignore!

I just wonder if I will get any problem with the tax although I am not sure how that works for second hand books. But it uplifted me a bit in spirits. Sarah, the girl who lives opposite from me and also goes to my home uni in Germany, feels just like I do. We have to be here, the semester abroad is a must not a choice, we talk way too much German all around and we count the days till this experience although not regarded as a bad one by either of us is over.

Which reminds me 44 days left. In 44 days at this hour I will lie in my awesome bed which is not too soft, not too hard, has no feather sticking out, is not lumpy, does have really soft covers, with an inviting pillow that is not flat and constantly falls into the space between matress and headboard.

If not for the time pressure regarding the work load and assignment, the dumb cold that prevents me from going to the gym to exercise I would actually be rather content. I guess the latter bothers me the most. As I feel drawn to my super awesome ice-cream. NOw I will finish task 2 of my assignment and then make another layout for maratofel.net on which I worked way too long today already.

... and got myself a pizza, the event was fairly expensive as I also needed grated cheese to avoid the thing becoming an oversized cracker. However, ordering one would have been even more expensive.

I cannot wait till I am back home. I just have to try and not eat everything good I missed at once. Like a real pizza, this one was barely adequate but at least it stopped my kraving for the time being.

Otherwise I am a bit behind with my assignments, mainly the paper I have to end in at the end of this month :( But it is not something complicated to write just time consuming.

Now that I have solved my not so urgent problems, I might have time to finish it. What are my not so urgent problems? Well, I need to figure out what to do about my extra weight when I travel back in December. I still want to go to the second hand book shops and see what I can find and that will amount to tons of extra weight. Especiall considering the orders I made via amazon.co.uk so far.

I bought two Games equaling 2 ordinary DVD cases with one single DVD, the Ultimate Bourne Colleciton three ordinary DVD cases with one DVD. I got the three Sidney Sheldon books from ASDA, then there are the Austen books I brought with me (those alone weigh 1,2 kgs) and I ordered more today: 2 old movies and the Bloodties DVD set. Althoughn if they still can get it another movie. It is free of charge but of course I do have to think about the extra weight. If I take 2 kgs more with me I am over the limit and I can only store it in my hand luggage to begin with. *sighs*

But then again I also leave something things behind and if necessary even the big 1 kg towel. I guess maybe I do not need to sent a package - but if I do, then I will only if I have over 2 kgs otherwise I just pay the extra fee at ryan air and have it all with me. It is not that bad here, but I guess that I think about the day I return constantly is a sign that I am not that amazed (except maybe by the no delivery charge from amazon ;)

And another boring post to keep track of my weight loss progress:

	Breast	Below Breast	Waist	Ass/Hip	Thigh	Weight
1997:	95 cm	82 cm	72 cm	117 cm	65 cm	86,9 kg
2008:	121 cm	103 cm	102 cm	144 cm	84 cm	130 kg
Oct 2009:	109 cm	94 cm	95 cm	132 cm	76 cm	116 kg

October 2009: Looks like I lost 12 centimers around hips and thighs! I still got a gigantic ass - but it is shrinking - breats are getting smaller as well, so hopefully I will fit into my old, cool bras by the end of 2010.

I registered on Tuesday the 29th September 2009 for a Gold Member Ship of the Falmer Sports Complex - which gives me unlimited access to the Fitness Room there. Now, the table below shall document how well I made use of it.

DAY	DATE	TIME	Type of Exercise	kcal
WE	30/09	6pm	Cardio: 30 min Bike / Weights	250
TH	1/10	5pm	Cardio: 10 min Stepper / 30 min Crosstrainer	520
FR	2/10	-	-	-
SA	3/10	4pm	weights	-
SO	4/10	-	-	-
WEEK 1
MO	5/10	9pm	Cardio: 33 min Bike / 9 min Stepper	360
TU	6/10	8pm	Weights
WE	7/10	8pm	Cardio: 30 min Crosstrainer	370
TH	8/10	-	-	-
FR	9/10	8pm	Weights	-
SA	10/10	5pm	Cardio: 30 min Bike / 5 min Stepper	320 kcal
SO	11/10	5pm	Cardio: 30 min Crosstrainer / 5 min Stepper	460 kcal
WEEK 2
MO	12/10	9pm	Cardio: 31 min Bike / 9 min Stepper	380 kcal
TU	13/10	8pm	Weights	-
WE	14/10	9pm	Cardio: 30 min Crosstrainer	320 kcal
TH	15/10	8pm	Cardio: 10 min Stepper / 30 min Crosstrainer / 20 min Bike	650 kcal
FR	16/10	weights	-	-
SA	17/10	-	-	-
SO	18/10	4pm	Cardio: 10 min Stepper / 30 min Treadmill / 20 mim Bike	585
WEEK 3
MO	19/10
TU	20/10
WE	21/10
TH	22/10
FR	23/10
SA	24/10
SO	25/10
WEEK 4
MO	26/10
TU	27/10
WE	28/10
TH	29/10
FR	30/10
SA	31/10
SO	01/11
WEEK 5
MO	02/11
TU	03/11
WE	04/11
TH	05/11
FR	06/11
SA	07/11
SO	08/11
WEEK 6
MO	09/11
TU	10/11
WE	11/11
TH	12/11
FR	13/11
SA	14/11
SO	15/11	4pm	Cardio: 30min Stepper, 20min Bike	580
WEEK 7
MO	16/11	-	-	-
TU	17/11	8pm	Weights	-
WE	18/11	-	-	-
TH	19/11	8pm	Cardio: 30min Stepper, 30min Bike	630
FR
SA
SO
WEEK 8
MO
TU
WE
TH
FR
SA
SO
WEEK 9
MO
TU
WE
TH
FR
SA
SO
WEEK 10
MO
TU
WE

Found this on http://www.big-limos.com/what-your-limo-color-says-about-your-personality/

Black - Many people assume that the color black symbolizes nothingness, when in fact black is truly the opposite of that. Those attracted to the color tend to be comfortable in situations that would give others anxiety, they appreciate attention, avoid confrontation and appreciate simplicity.

Apart that I sometimes look for confrontation, it fits me very well.

Maybe I post a backlogged entry about my journey later on ...

• Find out if I have a phone number


• Ask about delivery of parcels


• Determine what I need to cook and so on


• Buy pepper and salt for today


• Shop online for everything else including a hairbrush


• Hand in inventory list


• Sort my stuff on the shelves ...


• Find out where I need to go tomorrow


• Order books for my courses

Tomorrow I will check out the fitness facilities, my legs look so horrible from all the lost fat. But I am highly motivated, the change of scenery is good and despite sweating in the heat here, I find the climate much more agreeable than back in my small village in Germany.

I had just had the coolest dream and my mom woke me up. She is playing tennnis today and wanted to say goodbye to me. I understand that but man ....

The dream was awesome enough shortly before it ended. My dream self was always visiting a small zoo with very rare animals, and flirting with the care takers who strangely enough were armed. As it turned out later in the dream, the zoo was in some enclosed Eastern Europe nation and I was the daughter of the military right hand man of the country (and he looked familiar, but I do not remember the actors name).

Now, it seemed that I had a relationship with one of the caretakers who was accompanying my father somewhere and in the meantime teased one of the other caretaker a bit who I obviously had dated previously. He was abit worried because one of his co-workers had been murdered and he was afraid my father might have something to do with it. But I told him something about, that contrary to what everyone believed, I do not sleep with everyone.

Then we saw on the monitor that my father had returned and he had four members from the Criminal Minds BAU team with him. It seemed a bit as if they had been drugged (Angela Merkel was also there but who cares?) While my dreamself was totally drooling over Derek and my colleague said: "Wow, your dad really got someone to look into those killings." I was woken up.

10 minutes top and I bet my naughty dream self would have made Derek feel very welcome *sighs*

So tomorrow around this time I expect to be on a train in England, and I still need to pack but first I want to sort out my computer stuff.

Copying all the necessary files to my notebook and external hard drive. As I am totally hooked on Criminal Minds since the last season arrived I also work a bit on icons for my newest adopted fanlisting: Aaron Hotchner fanlisting.

Movies I have already transfered to the drive are:

12 Angry Men
Berserker
Blade
Blade II
Casino Royale
Clue
Ivanhoe
Nightbreed
The Condemned
The Lost Boys
The Matrix
The Matrix Reloaded
The Patriot
The Scorpion King
To catch a thief
TRON
Underworld

Those TV shows:
Blade
Criminal Minds
Kindred: The Embraced
Moonlight
Neverwhere
Robin of Sherwood

A bit of comedy
Kalkofes Mattscheibe Season 3
Switch Season 4 (maybe I'll add more if I got the space)

I'll probably add the two Mummy movies next ... oh and Watchmen of course!

Well, the beginning was very disappointing - but then again I expected it. Originality is not very widespread in movies and when it comes to kid accidentally dropping in magic kingdom, it is always the same: kid is obsessed with something, gets into a conflict with bullies and tada ... *snort*

After 40 minutes the excessive fighting gets a bit boring, but occasionally they get back to the story, so oh well ...

But it seems that the movie will not rise above average at any rate - but then again I have not given up. I wonder if they make something out of it or if the kid is really just a moron who will end up being a kung fu master at the end nevertheless. I mean that boy watches nothing but Hong Kong Kung Fu movies. Then he asks the drunken immortal to teach him and ends up in a field learning how to swing and complains about when his lessong going to start? I mean, seriously, I saw about two dozen Hong Kong flicks and even I know that they always have to do some stuff like that to learn some basics.

The villain is also quite boring. A fancy pansy with ego problems and no style. Hell, he can not even put on some decent make-up ...

At least I get a kick out of Jet Li and Jackie Chan torturing that idiot maincharacter. And there is some eye candy: The girl traveling with the guys is gorgeous and the assassin the villain sent out is smoking hot.

And while I am at it: The person who made the German subtitles should be shot, the gorgeous girl talks of herself in the third person. Hello? Why change it in the subtitles? *argh* Fuck, fuck the other dubbs are totally rotten as well. Do these guys not even watch the movies they are dubbing/subtitling?

Now for the spoilerish part .....

Near the end, the fight scenes got more interesting and funny, the routine chick against chick fight was stopped by Chan's character taking over and killing the hot chick. Then more per accident the kid kills the main bad guy and as her final words the gorgeous chick used I - something totally lost in the subtitles.

But I really liked the ending - it lacked the clichee romance ending by having the girl die.

Of course there is the real world ending - that sucked balls. Could not have been more cliched and boring. I feel like throwing up. Almost like after watching Stardust, I love the book, I was okay with the movie till Robert de Niro showed up and I hated it after the ending.

I tried to delete my community and instead my journal got deleted.

... at first I just cringed with laughter, when in an English movie some supposedly German character used this word (along with other badly pronounced and thus barely recognisable German words). Now, I am just getting annoyed. Seriously, we live in the age of the internet, is it really that hard to go to a German chatroom and ask the people if that sentence sounds remotely German?

On the imdb.com I read that they re-dubbed the German in the first Die Hard and let me tell you, it was necessary. Heizehaus is not a German word, and if you refer to a level you do not say the simple number (thirtyeight - achtundreißig) we have an equivalent of 38th as well and it would be "Er ist im achtundreißigsten ..."

Another favourite of mine is when the characters say something and then you have English subtitles with a "translation" that has often nothing to do with what was being said. Considering how bad the German is often (wrong pronunciation, bad grammer etc) they probably just guessed. Like in Eurotrip ... "I sexually assaulted a horse ..." oh no wait, the German was good, the actor was a German - so we can assume whoever put the subtitles in was just as horrible at German as the main protagonist and happened to be preoccupied with fucking horses ...

Honestly, when Germans refer to a penis (apart from using Penis - which is also used in German) you have: Pimmel, Pullerman, Schniedel, Schniedelwutz, Dödel, Prengel, Willie, langer Egon, bestes Stück, Schwanz, Glied - but never ever Schwanzstuckerl oder Schwanzstuck. I guess most of the words are too easy to pronounce and nothing amused the lazy scriptwriter more than making some actor/character sound like a total moron to anyone who actually speaks German.

Nonetheless, I still roar with laughter in all those Nazi movies, because how English-speaking actors pronounce "Führer" is truly funny.