Mistress Darkness

Could not resist, I looked up if maybe per Chance Dieter Nuhr also plays in Bremen and maybe at a time when I am back in Germany and yes, he does! *gg*

I just booked tickets for March *dances*

Maybe I a bit too generous gifting myself so much today - but with my studies going so well, I thought I deserved it.

Getting my parents from the airport was a pain in the butt, it got sooo hot and I slept till 5 pm after we got back around 10:50 am.

Funny thing is (and I don't think something like this was possible in the USA) the airport in Hannover has a Beate Uhse shop (Germany's most famous sex-shop chain) and looking at the beautiful vibrators, leather chains and all that stuffi in the windows, I decided to go in. I needed some lubricant anyway and ended walking out with three item out of their 5 Euro sale. Two lubricants and a new dildo :D

I can`t believe that I am re-acting so overly emotional to the results of a test. I am shaking, blushing and my hands are sweating (more than they did before). My eyes are bit wet ... but I passed. I feel so relieved, I barely passed but I did. OMG! Now I got to write two papers and then I just need one more seminar with less workload in semester 6.

I feel like dancing *lol*

Wrote the exam today, despite what the prof said, she inquired about several non-important people and tons of popes, so much about we just have to know about the kings. *headdesk*

Not to mention the way she phrased her questions I had no clue what she really wanted, turns out that under another one she also wanted do know name of some random noblefolk that nobody gives a crap about. Why do we have to learn this shit?

At least now I got till the tenth to learn this unimportant crap by heart. *sighs*

In a few minutes my "weekend"-seminar should start. I am in no mood for it but I need the credits. I would prefer to continue working on my term paper but instead I will be sitting here today and also tomorrow.

Got a major reprieve today in the Russian history seminar - those excerpts we have to hand in for the texts we read have gotten an extended deadline. 30th September!

My biggest problem is the source work for the term paper - but I guess I will cross check with my German translation - the old English writing is not only hard to decipher the priting is shitty as it is reproduction of the original! I probably have to scan in some parts, so you might end up seeing a pic and see it for yourself.

But I got a good feeling about this paper. I am going to pass!

... but no need. The University of Sussex is just like any other Uni I have heard about. If they mean they will sent info in June, it never refers to the beginning of the month *lol*

Just saw the e-mail that the stuff is on the way. *isexcited*

More good news are, I have to hand in my reading journal and essay for the Language Acquisition on the 15th, the reflective essay is due at the end of July and so is my oral presentation (definite date the 23rd July).

The only immediate source of trouble is the term paper for my early modern times module and the middleages exam on the 1st July. More of a minor annoyance is the English listening comprehension test on the following weekend. Not going to do anything about that one, I listen to so many English movies and tv-shows I should have no problem with Cambridge English.

Thinking about the fact that there is no dog at home to be taken care off, I feel incredibly motivated to get my shit together and spend the entire weekend with productive stuff.

Hell, at the moment I feel so positive all the time, that I feel almost bad about it. Yesterday I had the worst cravings for chips and what did I do about it? Succesfully passed up my favourite chips in the world for radish (Radieschen)! *lol* I went to Penny with every intention to buy junk food (Smurf winegummies came to mind, too) and all I ended up with was some Schwip Schwap ohne Zucker (the pepsi version of Mezzo Mix Zero), radish, carrots with green stuff for the rabbits, a cheap tupperware like box for toast (always wanted some) and fruits (Nektarinen - no clue what the English word is).

I also realised that I can take off Tuesday and Wednesday morning to learn more for the exam - hell no parents who would complain. Just me a mature adult making the decision to use time I am allowed to miss productively to achieve a goal. The only drawback is this stupid seminar Thursday evenign and Friday from 10 a.m. till 4 p.m. Hopefully I can take some stuff along that I can do - although I fear it will be very activity based.

3rd post today, I know I am overdoing it but this is just too priceless to not share. I am sitting downstairs in the kitchen - because my mother told me that she wanted to go back in the storage area.

Now I am sitting here - and she is in her office. Ehm, yeah ... great. I really, really hope that the UPS car shows up soon with the box *grrrrr*

If not for the brain numbing incident earlier, I would have already sat down in the kitchen and posted about this. I had another very nice dream featuring a sexy villain. *hintsaticon*

It was very weird and and took place on a very large lake. There was nothing caribbean about the whole dream, but at various points characters seem to appear. Most prominently Barbossa, who was apparantly of the opinion the lake belonged to him.

I was on board a smaller ship, I think we were on some sort of expedition, do not remember for what. However, I do remember some excursions and something about Highlander: The series (which was hint at another dream that I do not really recall in detail once I am awake - has something to do with my favourite character Kronos, like an extra episode that never happened).

We saw Barbossa's ship come closer and being on a lake, we quickly heade for land and seperated to avoid being caught. Funny thing was, the pirates came after us and they tried to capture us by shooting some sort of net at us. My dream self was in much, much better condition than myself and she avoided those things by stopping and breaking out to the side. So they would hit in front or beside her.

Nonetheless, two pirates had almost caught up with me. So I fled onto a beautiful cloisterlike mansion and hid in a tree. When the inhabitants showed up, the pirates took off. Some creepy looking woman - or should I say a woman with a creepy stare, who saw them asked me what I was doing there. Before I could think of something, she asked me again whether I might be here about the job. The way she said it, implied that my dreamself should better say yes.

After waking up, all I thought was: "Wow - was my dreamself an idiot or what?"

Kitchen duty with some strange circle of women or getting captured by Barbossa. I certainly know what I would have choosen and I certainly would not have needed that excellent condition my dreamself had. At one point I considered writing a silly, but smutty one-shot, where a group of POTC Fans get actually sucked into the movies.

Everyone in the group (which consisted of rabid Sparrow fangirls and me) would then be captured by Barbossa. On deck of his ship he then would ask, who wants to join him in the cabin and who would rather wait for Jack to come and rescue him. Of course I was like, yeah, cabin, cabin, me, me! You know, like Donkey in the menue of the Shrek DVD.

The idea was that we all signed a contract with the devil (without knowing it, much like in Stay Tuned) to get the ultimate POTC experience. All those fangirl masses were drawn in by the "Meet the Captain of the Black Pearl" advertisement. As with Stay Tuned - you had to stay alive for 72 hours - before you were returned to boring reality. Otherwise you were dead and the devil got your soul.

Yesterday mom makes a big deal out of asking me to get up at 10 a.m. in order to sit downstairs and wait for the arrival of UPS. I do not mind, because making sure those suckers meet someone if they finally bother to deliver the traveling box for our dog, is a good thing. If there is no delivery today - I am stuck with the dumb dog and I so do not need that!

Fuck leave it to organise something to my parents - at one time they were awesome at it, right now ... they need over a month to organise some stupid traveling box for our dog.

Here is the real kicker: I get downstairs, set down my notebook etc - suddenly mom comes in and says: "Oh no, you can not sit here - your father is having a meeting with some guys from the traffic commitee."

She is had forgotten about it and right now the whole thing is unneccassary because my father is there and sees the car if it should pull up.

I am going to cool down by playing with my online e-mail account. I try and not use thunderbird anymore, not because I do not like it, but because it is true that e-mails do distract one terribly. I get the notification that an e-mail arrives and I have to force myself not to reply instantly. This can not go on. Better I log in and see if something is there, when I got time.

Not to mention I love the Strato Communicator! It is sort of like an online Outlook.
http://communicator.strato.de

My closet has currently more clothing that does not fit me, I thought I make an inventory to see what there actually is and the approximate size, so I know what I will be able to wear pretty soon again and what I will only ever wear again, when I manage to lose all my extra weight.

(I will include international sizes and look up better descriptions, so excuse the German help words and size)

( boring list underneath this cut )

I also threw two shirts and one body out. I got the third part with the dresses and other longer stuff, a few other drawers with trousers, tops and other stuff - but now I need to go back to work.

I think it was Wednesday when my mother realised how badly her mind had deteriorated - when she realised that she did not even knew what consonant is anymore. Or rather she knew the letters of course but not what they are called - not the German expression (Mitlaut) or the Latin one (Konsonant) which is the one I and many others use.

Just now I realised how badly it really is - she is kind of dissembling the rest of our model train settings and was cursing and screaming that she should not get a screw out. I told her that was no surprise she got the one screwdriver. I told her several times, I even offered her to bring her the right one ... she just picked up another one of the wrong kind and continued to damage the screw even further.

I had to walk away ... I just really hope it is not a genetic thing to grow so dumb at record speed. I really hope it is her way of living. *sighs*

I think watching a Farscape episode before going to bed was a really good idea. My favourite character made an appearance in my dream.

I do not recall that much, it was really strange - somehow he worked undercover at Marktkauf in the gardening department *lol* There was something about a lost peacekeeper ship that was found out to be stranded on earth. My dream self then found out that she was the daughter of one of the crew members.

Oh well, those were the parts that made sense, I think I just blanked out the rest, like the sewer part ... but I like having dreams with my favourite characters, especially when they are not completely out of character.

The best one of this kind was me dreaming I am on a plane and then The Kurgan shows up and demands that I give him the window seat. Sitting next to my favourite villain on a plane *swoon*

BTW - My new mp3 player mix is so much better than before. Nothing against Nightwish, they are my favourite band - but it was not exactly a mix with them taking up 90% of all the songs. Now I got lots of other favourites thrown in as well and removed a few Nightwish songs that just did not work for me on the road.

My biggest problem is my time management. It simply sucks. I wasted too much time on the weekends, getting distracted by computer games and fan stuff. It is not even that I get that much done on the fanstuff part. I do this, then I get up and clean the kitchen, then I abandon that to do something else, then I go back to the computer, but not to fanstuff, no I read some posts, then I remember the kitchen ...

Oh well, now I got to finish this presentation, write a term paper urgently and learn for an exam. The presentation is next wednesday, the paper needs to be handed in on the 30th, the exam is on the 1st July. I remember there is also an essay and an oral presentation for the week after the 1st July.

At least the weight loss is going fairly well. I have had no lapses so far, I eat what I want just in sensible measures with regards to the right distribution of proteins, carbonates and fat. I have now nearly lost 10 kgs.

What I really want to do is work on my existing fanlistings and after I re-model two, I want to apply for my favourite Farscape character, maybe my second favourite as well.

I also want to hunt down a beta-reader for my Bond/Le Chiffre Story and continue with my other fanfictions - does not really matter which as long as I get something done! Planning stuff in my head is good fun - it is just frustrating to get nothing done. Not to mention it is impossible to find reliable betas. I hope the fact that the Bond one is a slash story, I'll find someone.

Right now I am waiting for a fellow student, I need to give her back her book - but she is in a seminar and will catch up with me afterwards. It would not be so much of a problem, if I wasn`t so hungry. At least my next seminar will start quarter past five so I do not have to wait that long.

You remember that cute little movie a few years back with all the convict on the plane. Yup CON AIR. Have not seen it for month and yet for some reason I had a dream with the main villain - Cyrus Grissam, Nicknamed the Virus (because he killed so many people).

It was kind of funny, at first I was shopping with O and in the dream I found a story that has my favourite spagetti for sale (they are on sale at Penny on the 16th or so). We also biggered about lots of stuff. Stuff got blurry as dreams usually are. Suddenly I was one of the retail women, some 40-50ish overweight one. I was bound and on my bed and Cyrus was walking around. It seemed he was about to re-create the event at the beginning of his career when he had come to "our" home and shot both of us. However this time he had an uzi and not a single shot pistol.

( more Cyrus dream stuff )

Nothing like an exciting mini-movie as a dream ... not to mention my second favourite character in the movie was Larkin, so cool that they both appeared and totally in character!!

We got the results of the exam last week and I passed. Now I just need to focus on the other exam regarding the medieval seminar. Still lots of stuff to do and read, worst of all is the damn paper I now I really need to work on, I have to hand it in on the 30th May and I can not fail.

Means I really have to get my shit together and not let myself be distracted too much with fanstuff, just a little bit to keep going. If I do not do anything fannish at all, I wither and die mentally.

This weekend just did not work out the way I had hoped for ... today I wanted to work concentrated on my uni stuff and what happens? Mum throws me out of the bad after I had just barely gotten 3 hours of sleep asking me to drive Anna around. As a result I stagger to bed an hour later and before I know it a bunch of handyman start breaking the wall in the room below apart as we got a leak. So I try the best I can to catch any sleep and get up at 3 p.m. feeling totally beaten from all the noise.

At least I managed to do something, hopefully a bit more ... I will just take a little nap. Hopefully!

So I spend the past days with unistuff and screencapping Farscape Episodes (the online page has not enough per episode). No wonder I had a cute little dream involving my two favourite Farscape characters :D

If I did not had my period and the slightly moody / uncomfortable feeling this might actually turn out as a good day. As far as I am concerned I take the day off and do just fanstuff. Tomorrow I will devote to my Russian History seminar and Sunday to may Middleages one. Unless I feel more like middleages tomorrow or today ;)

So I bring you up to speed what my life was about so far: Eating.

Seriously, after I finally got the click, I re-thought my eating habits and modified them. At the beginning of this month my weight was 135 kg and that is as you can guess way too much. But I guess I did not want to see it and always believed I would get rid of it somehow.

I think I already posted about founding a support group but I do not need it. The new eating habits leaving me often so stuffed that I can not even manage to eat what I should consume to give my body enough to go on without going into super saving mode. My stomach is a bit of a problem and the fact that I am used to eat a lot at once, sometimes even go to bed afterwards, and then not eat anything for hours.

Today was such a day, I filled my quota for friday by eating very late some fish with pasta in tomato sauce and right now I am only up to 600 large kalories. But the good news is, I lost over 6 kg already! I probably won't go down so fast in the overall process but if I only lose 4kg a month, by the time my semester abroad begins I will weigh about 110 kg and fit into more of my long abandonned clothes in the back of my wardrobe.

Maybe they even have some nice sport options on the campus in the University of Sussex, like swimming. I was so sad yesterday when I realised I don't get students savings on the card for the Ronolulu, which is the only option to swim here all year long. It is more of a family and fun bath and finding 30 minutes to swim in peace is only possible in the early hours of the day in the first place. So it is just too expensive, even if I manage to get fit enough to take the bike there. Why doesn't anyone open a swimming pool just for people who want to swim, take a shower and go their merry way? Why the fuck do they close at 8 p.m.? Why even sooner on weekends?

On Tuesday I am having another exam so I have to learn, when in fact I'd rather indulge in my newest obsession relating some Farscape characters ... oh well real life first, fun later.

Count Vladislaus Dragulia visited me in my dreams tonight.

My dream self was attending college in a sleepy little coast town in Italy and guess who one of the professors was? At one night I walked home past a cemetary and suddenly he showed up in his long cape. Then a rival female vampire attacked me and he protected me. After walking me home, I apparantly lived with some relatives outside of campus, I asked him in.

He kissed me goodnight on the cheek and before I knew it he was drinking from me. Then I did not see him till the day he had his seminar but always lurked around the cemetary on my way home.

In a switch I suddenly was Dracula and handling a spat with the other female vampire who was extremly jealous and Dracula-Me was pissed at her constantly ruining his games.

Okay, if you are remotely interested in my ramblings about my eating and weight issues, you will find them at healthy_diet.

I already talked about about my problems and my new found resolve. Mainly I want to focus on controlling my eating habits - if you want to improve your eating and/or work on your weight, then you are of course welcome to join. I just want a little statement before you join, so I know you are not a troll or have other malicious intentions.

So bascially the last week was awful and yet not that bad.

I felt moody all week and did not get around to do as much for the university as I should. Although I still felt okay and thought I might use Thuesday afternoon to catch up. Wrong, first I got a bad headache, then I took something and my stomach began hurting so bad I skipped several seminars on wednesday. (Good news is, I later found out the first one I skipped was cancelled anyway and in the other one, the prof was also sick and we only heard the in-class talks of other students and called it a day).

Thursday I was not feeling much better, I made it through the first three hour seminar and then I had four hours free time and after 90 minutes I felt a bad headache coming up and with my upset stomach and no place at the uni, to sit calmly and try to see if that makes it better I went home.

On friday I felt moody and did nothing at all - bad plan, but I felt it was my free day. I workedon fanlistings, listened to "Gabriel Burns" a German audio play series and thought on Saturday I could get to work on stuff (apart from the fact that I cooked dinner and ate with my father because I felt he needed something to cheer him up). But in the night I got so awful cramps, worse than anything I had in the last 12 month at least. I still feel more pain than usual. It is almost like when I was a teenager and my menstruation run amok. So I slept alot and stayed awake till 4 a.m. tonight making icons for Casino Royale.

I also booked the ticket for Berlin, after finally getting a hold of my brother who said fetching me from the train station on Monday evening will be no problem.

Now, I still got 1,5 days to do something - however, I also greatly occupied with a heavy problem that keeps bugging me tremendously. My weight ... but I will not rant on it here. I decided to make up a new community, where I might find likeminded people who also want to talk about their problems.