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24 hours ago I put "Hellboy: The Golden Army" into my DVD player. Unfortunately ... Yeah, I know, I am probably in the minority ... hmm - let me check imdb.com: 7.4. Yes, I am in the minority. I'd give it a 2 or maybe even a 3.
Not that the movie was totally rotten, but there were a couple of things that totally ruined it for me. The basic story was actually quite good, but I already hated how it was introduced. Which is probably a personal problem of mine, but I don't think children are cute and don't appreciate being told things on kindergarden niveau in a movie that is Rated: PG-13. (Isn't it amazing that something as harmless as "Passenger 57" has a rating of 18 in Germany, while this movie, where people get eaten alive by tiny little digital creatues is allowed for 12 year olds? *shrugs* When I was 11 my mom would not even let me see "Masters of the Universe". Yes, I am still holding a grudge.) Back on topic: A stupid embarrassing introduction to the background story, about how the Golden Army was created and that gives away major plots points and forshadows another sad development.
What makes me dislike this movies is the onset of intensive brain rot. Seems to be a major feature of sequels these days. Same problem ruined the last Potter book for me. I wanted to see Voldemort defeated by a clever ploy or something and not by his own sudden stupidity.
Admittingly, in the first Hellboy, Hellboy acted like a moronic teenage boy in the first weeks of puberty in some scenes. Now he acts like this all the time, tries to beat Anna Valerious in the department of saying and doing stupid things. (Okay, he did not beat her, but then again, who could?) At one point the villain sicks some sort of elemental on Hellboy. The thing is fucking huge and tears up the street. So Hellboy frees some baby out of slightly bent car. Now instead of handing it over to someone who is not the prime target of a gigantic plant god, he throws it arounds like a football. And the he is suprised the crowed is angry that he played ball with a baby. *headdesk* That was a major drama scene, that might have made a point if not for the fact that the baby should be totally dead according to the laws of physic. Not to mention it was so badly written and acted, you really got the feeling the only persons who took this scene serious were Selma Blair (Liz) and Ron Perlman (Hellboy). So pathetic, what a tragedy could have been prevented if someone had informed the public that this was a comic book movie where babies are indestructible (because they are dolls made of vinyl!!)
Let me stay with that scene, because it had more of this pseuda drama. Almost like "The Dark Knight" just not as bad but well on the way. This plant gigant thingie is of course the last of this kind. So at one point, Hellboy hesitates (his new boss yelling on the street, "Shoot it, obey me, blabla") and the villain shows up and asks him if he really wants to do this, blabla and cue in the violins. You just begging for someone to say, "Heh punk, call your doggie back and I'll think about it." Of course nothing happens, the injured thing recovers, attacks again and is shot to pieces. Its remains create a botanical garden on the torn up street and our heroes are like "Awwwwww. Beautiful" when the see some badly crafted plastic plants and stand in a rain of pollen.
Stupidity does not only interfer with plot relevant scenes, there is of course the character development side to the movie. Which basically represents a total regression into idiocy. During the begin of the movie this is represented by Liz acting like a moron (okay, we find out she got knocked up and we all know pregnant women are always acting insane). Oh well, it could have been worse, she is actually the sanest of our trio, or should I say quartett? So basically, the two argue like 13year olds who suffer from extreme stupidity. I so did not need to see that, especially not since we get this whole scenario all over again. This time around Abe joins the hormon driven teenage idiot club, when he falls in love with the villain's sister and instantly looses all his higher brain functions.
In the first movie it was kind of okay that Hellboy acted like an immature teen from time to time, because at least the others did not. Apart from her depression problems Liz was really cool female lead, her problems weren't overdone. I can't remember one moronic comment from Abe and whatever his name was, was kind of okay as well. Yes, Myers ! I remembered.
His spot in the team was filled by demented German ghost like appearance named Krauss. Who acted like a major dick spicked with silly German words that were probably taken from old Nazi movies by a person who had problems understanding the words correctly and just made up those syllabies he was not able to identify. At the beginning he vaguely seemed competent due to his abilities, otherwise I was getting the feeling he was the comedic sidekick. He had a few especially dumb lines that occurred with greater frequency at the end of the movie.
However, the writers really overdid themselves in the department of incredible, mind-boggling fuck-ups. They should get an award for mastering the art of idiocy. In case someone reading this and can not recall or did not know to begin with what this movie was all about:
The whole idea is that the villain wants to re-assemble some crown that allows him to control the indestructable Golden Army so he can wipe out the human race. He has two pieces, his sister has the last one and ends up with our heroes. Now you probably think, yeah, the crown is also indestructable. But at the end we find out, Liz can melt it like buttter!
Had they tried to destroy the thing, Abe's new found love interest did not have to die. She stabbed herself by the way - I think that was again one of those utterly stupid attempts to create drama. But it was so uncalled for and pointless that I could not care less. BTW, she stabbed herself and also killed the villain, who is as her twin brother connected to her and everything that happens to one, also happens to the other one. Maybe after he said he was not going to give up, not knowing that this time Hellboy was not too drunk to defend himself, she thought this was necessary. Just thinking that if they had just destroyed the crown piece, the brother could not have done anyting with the Golden Army (okay he might have imploded due to utter frustration) they could have just locked him up ... at the most he could have killed a few more people but who cares?
Which reminds me of the best scene of the second "Dungeon & Dragons" movie, which is awful as well, but I personally enjoy watching it, because it is so bad it is funny. Not to mention that the characters are not nearly as stupid as the cast in "Hellboy : The Golden Army". The end scene features the villain sitting in a dirty dungeon cell. So funny, I totally expected him to die at the end and instead he sits there and looks more bored than frustrated. *lol*
I kind of liked this villain as well, apart from the stupid scene with the plant god entity and some minor moments of badly written "us vs them" moments. Of couse, he was the only character who was not constantly involved in completely idiotic scences that were just embarrasing to watch. A second strong point was of course the make-up - smoking hot! Naturally, Luke Goss is extremly hot. (I was kind of upset that it did not came out in Blade II that much, because he was nearly always in bad light or wearing that hood ... or having his chin split open ...).
What really sucked was the fact that too often in the fight scenes his character jumped out of the picture so you could not really follow the fight. A real shame as what I could see looked really great.
But the rest was just too painful, so I moved it from "must see" to "never again" in the "my movies" folder at imdb.com.
Not that the movie was totally rotten, but there were a couple of things that totally ruined it for me. The basic story was actually quite good, but I already hated how it was introduced. Which is probably a personal problem of mine, but I don't think children are cute and don't appreciate being told things on kindergarden niveau in a movie that is Rated: PG-13. (Isn't it amazing that something as harmless as "Passenger 57" has a rating of 18 in Germany, while this movie, where people get eaten alive by tiny little digital creatues is allowed for 12 year olds? *shrugs* When I was 11 my mom would not even let me see "Masters of the Universe". Yes, I am still holding a grudge.) Back on topic: A stupid embarrassing introduction to the background story, about how the Golden Army was created and that gives away major plots points and forshadows another sad development.
What makes me dislike this movies is the onset of intensive brain rot. Seems to be a major feature of sequels these days. Same problem ruined the last Potter book for me. I wanted to see Voldemort defeated by a clever ploy or something and not by his own sudden stupidity.
Admittingly, in the first Hellboy, Hellboy acted like a moronic teenage boy in the first weeks of puberty in some scenes. Now he acts like this all the time, tries to beat Anna Valerious in the department of saying and doing stupid things. (Okay, he did not beat her, but then again, who could?) At one point the villain sicks some sort of elemental on Hellboy. The thing is fucking huge and tears up the street. So Hellboy frees some baby out of slightly bent car. Now instead of handing it over to someone who is not the prime target of a gigantic plant god, he throws it arounds like a football. And the he is suprised the crowed is angry that he played ball with a baby. *headdesk* That was a major drama scene, that might have made a point if not for the fact that the baby should be totally dead according to the laws of physic. Not to mention it was so badly written and acted, you really got the feeling the only persons who took this scene serious were Selma Blair (Liz) and Ron Perlman (Hellboy). So pathetic, what a tragedy could have been prevented if someone had informed the public that this was a comic book movie where babies are indestructible (because they are dolls made of vinyl!!)
Let me stay with that scene, because it had more of this pseuda drama. Almost like "The Dark Knight" just not as bad but well on the way. This plant gigant thingie is of course the last of this kind. So at one point, Hellboy hesitates (his new boss yelling on the street, "Shoot it, obey me, blabla") and the villain shows up and asks him if he really wants to do this, blabla and cue in the violins. You just begging for someone to say, "Heh punk, call your doggie back and I'll think about it." Of course nothing happens, the injured thing recovers, attacks again and is shot to pieces. Its remains create a botanical garden on the torn up street and our heroes are like "Awwwwww. Beautiful" when the see some badly crafted plastic plants and stand in a rain of pollen.
Stupidity does not only interfer with plot relevant scenes, there is of course the character development side to the movie. Which basically represents a total regression into idiocy. During the begin of the movie this is represented by Liz acting like a moron (okay, we find out she got knocked up and we all know pregnant women are always acting insane). Oh well, it could have been worse, she is actually the sanest of our trio, or should I say quartett? So basically, the two argue like 13year olds who suffer from extreme stupidity. I so did not need to see that, especially not since we get this whole scenario all over again. This time around Abe joins the hormon driven teenage idiot club, when he falls in love with the villain's sister and instantly looses all his higher brain functions.
In the first movie it was kind of okay that Hellboy acted like an immature teen from time to time, because at least the others did not. Apart from her depression problems Liz was really cool female lead, her problems weren't overdone. I can't remember one moronic comment from Abe and whatever his name was, was kind of okay as well. Yes, Myers ! I remembered.
His spot in the team was filled by demented German ghost like appearance named Krauss. Who acted like a major dick spicked with silly German words that were probably taken from old Nazi movies by a person who had problems understanding the words correctly and just made up those syllabies he was not able to identify. At the beginning he vaguely seemed competent due to his abilities, otherwise I was getting the feeling he was the comedic sidekick. He had a few especially dumb lines that occurred with greater frequency at the end of the movie.
However, the writers really overdid themselves in the department of incredible, mind-boggling fuck-ups. They should get an award for mastering the art of idiocy. In case someone reading this and can not recall or did not know to begin with what this movie was all about:
The whole idea is that the villain wants to re-assemble some crown that allows him to control the indestructable Golden Army so he can wipe out the human race. He has two pieces, his sister has the last one and ends up with our heroes. Now you probably think, yeah, the crown is also indestructable. But at the end we find out, Liz can melt it like buttter!
Had they tried to destroy the thing, Abe's new found love interest did not have to die. She stabbed herself by the way - I think that was again one of those utterly stupid attempts to create drama. But it was so uncalled for and pointless that I could not care less. BTW, she stabbed herself and also killed the villain, who is as her twin brother connected to her and everything that happens to one, also happens to the other one. Maybe after he said he was not going to give up, not knowing that this time Hellboy was not too drunk to defend himself, she thought this was necessary. Just thinking that if they had just destroyed the crown piece, the brother could not have done anyting with the Golden Army (okay he might have imploded due to utter frustration) they could have just locked him up ... at the most he could have killed a few more people but who cares?
Which reminds me of the best scene of the second "Dungeon & Dragons" movie, which is awful as well, but I personally enjoy watching it, because it is so bad it is funny. Not to mention that the characters are not nearly as stupid as the cast in "Hellboy : The Golden Army". The end scene features the villain sitting in a dirty dungeon cell. So funny, I totally expected him to die at the end and instead he sits there and looks more bored than frustrated. *lol*
I kind of liked this villain as well, apart from the stupid scene with the plant god entity and some minor moments of badly written "us vs them" moments. Of couse, he was the only character who was not constantly involved in completely idiotic scences that were just embarrasing to watch. A second strong point was of course the make-up - smoking hot! Naturally, Luke Goss is extremly hot. (I was kind of upset that it did not came out in Blade II that much, because he was nearly always in bad light or wearing that hood ... or having his chin split open ...).
What really sucked was the fact that too often in the fight scenes his character jumped out of the picture so you could not really follow the fight. A real shame as what I could see looked really great.
But the rest was just too painful, so I moved it from "must see" to "never again" in the "my movies" folder at imdb.com.
-
bitchy
