Mistress Darkness

Just came from another family dinner, this time with all my half siblings. No I don't feel like throwing up from all the food, but from all the lying and prentending.

It's one thing that my father used to beat me, but to pretend that he was Mr. Perfect Darling and then telling me that the only slap he ever gave me, was because I purposefully killed some fish really takes the cake. Slimeball, you beat me up with a huge wooden kitchen spoon, with your hand just for being a few minutes late. And I dropped the bag with the fish.

The only reason why he stopped beating me up is, because when I was still a teenager, I grapped a big knife and told him I'd kill him when he lifted his hand once more. And it worked, at first he did not seeem to impressed but he never tried to hit me again.

My mom is the one who only slapped me once in the face, because I hadn't cleaned up my room. (One of her hysteric attacks ...)

That is of couse not counting minor pads for being too loud or something else, after I would not have listen to verbal pleas. Which is okay, but the other stuff really sucks. I loathe them for acting as if had never happened, it's not like I haven't forgiven them.

Maybe they had to forgot, knowing what shitty parents them have been (not that some parents aren't worse, but they screwed me up good enough) they just could not live with the real version of what happened. I already forgotten a lot of stuff, especially the repreated emotional back stabs, when they turned into complete alien monsters lashing out at me for the silliest things (like turning when trying to fall asleep in our camping mobile). But some of those incidents where I was beaten I will never forget.

Just as I remember running upstairs to my grandparents, my father like rabid bull behind me and me diving under the eck table in their living room, being terrible afraid that he might hurt my grandfather. But father was too scared of my much tinier grandfather, because my grandpa was cool.

So I went upstairs, at least this way I don't have to listen to his lies.

After going to bed at 2 a.m., I had fallen asleep by 3 and woke up about three hours later, only to fall asleep and get some mighty disturbing dream. Usually nightmare pattern, I sit some place (in this case on the toilet taking a shit) Mum comes in the room, starts yelling and me, this is dirty, blabla, scream, scream and this is how she is going to screw up my life etc ...

Pretty routine, but in this dream, I did not just let her yell, in this dream, I got up grabbed her throat and forced her head under in the bathtub water (that was suddenly there). After she stopped breathing, I kind of used that grip you see in the movies when someone has swalloded something and she spat out the water again. then I let her fall down and thus apparently trapped her in a strange dream world or something. When she tried to reach my father, she pulled him in too. Somehow they had to play a game to get out there alive or vanish in it, that entailed visiting certain pre-set places in an earth like but much more dangerous enviroment. So weird and why would I dream of something like that so long after she went batshit insane on me. Really creepy, I'm used to this nightmare pattern, but I'm usually powerless to do anything against her outbreak. Does this mean that now I am getting the upper hand because I am really not that affected emotionally?

For those who don't remember, last year I found out I had an older sister from before my father's marriage (to his current estranged wife) whose mother took off with an army officer to the US.

Tomorrow she visits us for some time. As great as that is, I'm so fed up with all the fuss my parents make. I want to learn for my exam on wednesday and not clean everything spotless! Fuck that fake posing. Considering how long she stays she will get a good luck at this families ugly site and the least of it will be my sup-par house cleaning skills.

*sighs*

I'm going to fail so miserably! As always I should have started earlier, but then I doubt I would have remembered much of what I learned the week before the exam. *sighs*

(YEAH, sighing is a form of relaxation for me, so I do it a lot)

So Psycho-Mum is up to god knows what - Chase is not eating too much.

Yeah, I'm not sure if my so-called mother is up to anything. I hope dad gets on her nerves enough to keep her from continuining her little psycho war. Otherwise I might need an axe to debate the matter of the kitchen door. (No, not for my Mum, but to hack out the lock region all together)

took Chase to the vet for another look and she has not gained much if at all. It was slightly busy so we did not put her on the scale. But Wednesday I'll come for another one, this time with all three (Oz has some fungus problem and Spike might or might no have some teeth problem) At this point I'm probably slightly hysterical when it comes to them.

I hate being all day at the uni, when I have to worry so much. At least I get some routine posting before this seminar. Which is btw not really among my favourites. Simply because the prof is always aiming at something and needs like 15 minute to get to it, because first everyone needs to guess. This is truly annoying, because we never get to do much of anything and nobody ever knows what he is refering to, meaning etc.

So I went to OBI to buy a new lock for the kitchen door, so that instead of my mum locking me out, I could lock her out. Turns out the old lock is broken anyway and a new lock probably would not fit ....so I think I will fill up the old one with glue to make sure it really will never work again and put it back in.

haha, honestly don't make me your worst enemy, I like my peace and quiet, but stung to often, I can get quite nasty.

I guess the biggest problem is that my mom has no problems with the weather, but my father and I do. So she is up and about, can clean all day, while I'm sweating faster than I can refill. Honestly, if I had the choice, I'd switch, let her feel awful and tired all day and I do the dishes. Works for me.

Honestly sometimes I actually begin to think that the relationship with my parents is mending. It will never be great, but at least it was beginning to get friendly. Then yesterday happened.

I took the train to the station and my mom needed the car, so she brought me to the station and was supposed to fetch me later when I got back. Now I said to her, I am not sure if I can get the first train. That I would call if I miss it.

I missed it, I called. She wasn't there and waited at the train station for nothing.

Sitting an hour later in the next train, I call home to figure out if she is back and if she now got the right time. She went totally berserk. I haven't heard her being so full of hate on contempt for me in a long time. Of course her not being able to listen and remember was my fault, she told me I could walk the 12 kilometers home, without a jacket, in the cold with rain coming. Also a lot of other really mean things that showed her psychoself.

It really hurt, knowing how my parents are, never really helped getting an emotional distance. I cried so bad, the whole train ride and continued for at least a quarter of an hour.

Well, my father eventually told my mom to come at fetch me. I nearly did not see her and part of me wanted to walk by. But I could not afford to become sick this weekend, too. So I thought, well let her see how badly she hurt me. Then something really surprising happened.

She admitted that it was her fault and that she totally overre-acted. Well I guess I can visit her occasionally on Christmas later on. She even admitted that when she went to the station she did it because of my father. I told her, I knew, because well I did. Unlike she would have done, I not bashed her further and drove in a knife in the open vulnerable spot she revealed by apologising, but showed like understanding. "It was an unfortunate situation" "You had a hard day" "I understand" "It's okay"

Not that I really felt that way, I think if you love someone you don't use them at as a doormat because you have so much stress. Still I don't want more bad blood between my parents and unlike them I have grown up a long time ago.

Slept badly last night, went to bed straight after the lessons, but had to pic up my mom after her surgery, so now I am up again. She is okay, too - at least for now while her toe is still numb.

You Are Sudoku

You are simple, modern and elegant. You're not that difficult to figure out, but very few people truly get you. You approach the world with a pure logic that most people will never grasp.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

This time it's chase who got an abscess. I just hope it's simliar to the one OZ got, that one healed fantastic. Then again even if the bone is damaged, there is still hope. I will now more when surgery is over, the vet moved her into his schedule today, after finishing with another patient.

I have to wait and see.


What I wanted to post yesterday was also that my mum ruined her big toe and has to go into surgery next week to have the nail it removed. So she will be mostly stuck at home, especially since she also has some problems with her heel. Funny though is that she has the same orthopedic problems with her foot which I also have. Only of course that she used to make fun of me because of it ... mom probably forgot about it when she blurted it out to me. I refrained from making any snide remarks about her walking habits or the fact how moronic it is to play tennis with a foot that is already showing warning signs. Not to mention she had a fungus growing under that nail for years (after her last surgery) *yucks*

The big difference between our feet is however that her big toes are both crooked, while with me it's the toes next to it. Otherwise it's a slight skew-, splay and flat feet for both off us, although I suppose the skew is the one that is the most noticebale part, as we still far away from having actual flat feet ;)

My sleep pattern is so off I wonder when I will get it back to normal. My father has been sick for days with some flu and I think I got it, too. Not as badly, but then again I'm much more responsible. Meaning if I feel sick or dizzy, I lie down and sleep it off.

Oh well, in four days my dad will be 70. I thought about making a photo album for him with pics of the house and us, but I never got around to do make many photographs. I had my health problems to battle, keeping up with uni readings and on top of that he has been a bit obnoxious and given me reason to worry about him.

I just did not found the necessary creativity to make it a good present. So I decided on the expensive version and bought an expensive photobook for him. "Eyes over Africa" a few month ago he had seen the author introduce his project on tv and he was quite thrilled about it. The big issue is about 1,200 Euros! The next smallest one is at 100 Euros, expensive but a good present for his last big number (I hope for him he gets to 80, but I can't see it happen, he is chronic workaholic that does more than his personal fitness allows him to).

Last, but not least I fixed up my only remaining livejournal post, to explain why I do not post there anymore.

Honestly, actually talking to my parents is like smashing your head against a concrete wall. Your head hurts, you feel dizzy afterwards and probably nauseous, too.

So I am stating facts that I have read and mentioned what I thought on the matter. And he is always like "You shouldn't see everything black and white."

WTF? That statement has nothing to do with anything.

Next best thing is I mention how Diana's doctor got sued by her father-in-law about not making a pregnancy test. What does my mindless father say?

"I do not judge about things were I haven't been present."

How moronic he passes judgement on thousands of things were he hasn't been present, not to mention that this hasn't had anything to do with whether he was in the office when the lawyer sent in the complaint or what ever you call it.

To add to the stupidity of it all, he continues to talk about random German politicians and their personal life. As if that has anything to dow it the incident. And then when I just wave off and leave. He is like "Where is she going?"

My mother - in full bitchiwitch mode - replies: "She probably does not like what she heard."

Damn right, I don't need my these stupid beside the point ramblings, that just make it clear that my father is either not able to have a decent conversation with me or just doesn't want to. As he never was able to listen to me, I suggest not able to.

So I just call: "The conversation hasn't anything to with what I mentioned, I finished eating - I am going, I got better things to do."

Honestly, I figure parents are like a tail. You have grown sort of fond of it, as it is part of you, but the more you pay attention to it, the more it annoys you as it is so unpractical. But if you just ignore it, you and your tail (parents) will get along fine.

my arm has swollen a lot more. At one point I wasn't sure if I should continue to drive home. The dizzyness has gotten stronger - plus my throat is slightly swollen.

My parents are like "Gee I drove there and there when I could hardly move my arm." What a great attitude. I nearly caused an accident today while I was driving - now I am feeling worse. I am not getting into a car till I feel better.

Hell, couldn't even sleep this afternoon - my arm started to hurt so badly I woke up. I'm tired and angry. Especially as how intelorant my parents are. After all I went today, I went when I was sick with the flu, two times I was absolutely nauseous from the pills for my stomach. Each time I went. If got half way decent sleep tonight and someone would take me to the train I would go and sit there (probably not being able to catch much of what the Prof in the front is saying, but heh - I am there and that is probably what counts most).

But I can't - first of all my mom doesn't think I need to be driven to the train station, as I should perfectly well be able to drive that short piece alone. Great, especially that part where I have to use my okay arm for the gear all the time and when I am so mushy from just getting up that I am bound to crash into the next tree. Even if I was even worse she couldn't be bothered to drive me to the doctor.

I honstly hope it gets better, especially the swollen lymphknots are troubeling me, if they don't get better. Or my temperature higher ...

I don't understand. Last time I had vague problems sleeping on that arm for a night. Now this? And I so wanted to not miss a lecture for the entire year!

I'm more amused than annoyed, but I had to mention it, it's so ridiculous.

Yesterday was a long day at the uni plus things I had to do for my mom (who had one of her cleaning rages), so I decided not to cook anything but fetch something and bring back the DVDs I rented Sunday.

What happens - I am in the video rental and realise I forgot my purse. So I had to drive back, where my father demanded that he needed the big car (where I fit in easily with my long legs and that drives like heaven) and had to take the small old Jetta (where I just about fit in and that is so hard to drive for various reason.) But I had hunger and wanted to return the DVDs.

So I parked close to the stand where I wanted to buy my meal and "jogged" over to the video rental. After I returned the stand with my meal was closing down. Heating shut off, light out, just the guy and no sign of anything to eat. So I went to the pizza delivery on the other side of the street.

Had to wait even longer, but eventually got a nice big cheese pizza. Upon returning home I realised my father hadn't moved the car one inch, which he supposedly needed. First I was pissed, but thought, I better asked if he might needed the spare key. He didn't, he hadn't seen it was already getting dark *pouts*

At this point I probably should mention how I hate it when my father makes dumb jokes about what I eat, I'm 28 for crying out loud, I don't need this kindergarden crap from a guy who is becoming 70 this year.

But he decided to do this anyway and was acting as if the pizza was for him. I was too tired to even care, then he wanted to see the pizza and I said "No". A "No" that under different circumstances could have disowned me. The guy is not talking to me, because I was too tired and too hungry to be in the mood for his kindergarden games. *rollseyes*

Sometimes I think it is a miracle that I am not more damaged from my childhood, but I guess the more or less happy years before he moved in permanently, when my grandparents took care of me often, have saved my sanity.

I am away from my flat for a while - the chances of going online are much bigger than I thought, but I doubt that I update much, but I try to look into entries from my favourite group, maybe deletrius and of course all those on my friend's list

So I guess I eat something, look upon a few worse gary stus and of course the mary sues and try to rise early to clear a few thing at my university and then upon my return I unplug my PC and settle everything for going home!!

( more behind the cut )

I just phoned with my parents - I might not get internet at home for over a month!!

( ranting )

I'm an online junkie, but hell what the heck??