Mistress Darkness

Typically I had a bad morning, but do I get a least a tiny amount of sympathy from my mother? No, just the usual bashing. All she bothers to do is tell me, why this is all my fault. Yeah, thanks so much.

Sometimes I am so fed up with my mother, all the complaining and bitching - and even if there is kind word hidden beneath it, who fucking cares about that when she gets me so pissed off I just wish I could punsh her lights out?

Is it too much to expect that if say something, "fuck this went so wrong, I am terribly pissed off" to say something like. "Yeah shit, that really sucks" accompanied by maybe something nice maybe an offer about a cup of tea, a hug or something. At least when my parents still had money to spare, I would get some of that ... (I know not really great, but at least something as oppossed to their high horse bullshit - seriously that is the main problem, constantly she is bitching moaning about what I am not doing, when she does not have her shit together herself!)

Now dinner is ready ( not that I feel like eating) but I don't have much choice later I might tell those who are interested and not, what went wrong this morning.

edit: Stupid bint, yeah I am up again, minutes after. Aparantly my mother does not like the look on my face and when I told her, heh, I am pissed, I can't look nice, so I am going. She went all pissy, "well go, ehh, if you don't want to see us, eeeh" Whiny bitch. So typical of this unfeeling asses to expect me to put on a cheery face, just like that. Fuck you with a rusty chainsaw. When you feel bad, you not only look like that, too - you usually come after me and bust my ass, just to feel better. So don't give me this "Don't look at me like this" crap. Because from now on you are really the main reaosn for my bad mood.

And honestly I can do without their company ... it's not like I can have a meaningful conversation with them. Up here I can talk to anyone from Agent Smith to Spike (yeah I talk to non-existant persons about various things, sometimes I just imagine telling Severus Snape, how many children he had with Sirius in various fanfics and imagine his reactions ... so much fun)

I already feel better, typing this!

I'm currently re-styling my Agents fanlisting and while I am at it, I decided I might as well re-watch the second movie. Boy, what a collection of terrible, cheesy dialogue. Just when I think it can't get any worse, someone says something incredibly enlightning like "No, what happened, happened and couldn't have happened any other way." Add on top of that the Merovingian's dialogue and you got me ready to lose some bleeprin (which I normally only apply after reading bad bad fanfic)

But the second movie definitely has two very strong points that made buy the DVD, hmm or should I say five? The three agents and of course the Twins! Maybe when I have enough time and can figure out the video program, I do a clip with all the important scenes and something nice from the soundtrack or what else I can find that fits.

So I went to the school to get that stupid writ and what happens? No sign of the teacher and he did not bother to place it where he said he would. Thanks for making me waste 2.5 hours and money on gas.

And of course I still need to go back and get that stupid writ that confirms I have been there. *grr* If looks could kill, there would have been hundreds of dead people, namely everyone in path, so royally pissed off.

Can you tell it's this time of the month? Yeah again, that early and also that much worse compared to the last time. I really need to see the gyn and get back on the hormones. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK ...

woot, will watch it later as soon as darkness falls ;)

Right now I am about to take off to school to fetch a signed paper stating that I was indeed participating in several classes as well as giving a few lessons.

I wanted to be on my way but the mail arrived and thought I needed to sign something, eventually I found out the dvds had been there since yesterday. Sure, put my mail in mom's office, where I won't notice it.

Honestly I don't know if she is doing it on purpose, but she does not even understand anymore what I am saying and then she gets pissed that I do not care about her stupid advice. I mean Wick does not help with a sore nose, it helps you breathe better, but it irritates the red, dry skin of my nose even further. What does the dumb bitch suggest. That I put more on and then she gets all upset when I just roll my eyes and leave. Pardon me for forgetting to ask if she has anything that calms down a sore throat other than bonbons. Yeah, now guess what the first thing was Mum offered me? Yeah, Bonbons! *headdesk* I spare you more of the idiocy I just witnessed.

Instead I'm going to tidy up a bit more and then work on some uni stuff. Afterwards I am going to re-read my TDK review and then post it.

I'm posting from my father's computer, yesterday I was sitting and doing ordinary fanlisting business and suddenly the pages would not load anymore. A look at my Fritz Box, revealed that one light was out. I hoped that maybe after I return from school things would be back to normal, but no ... so I phoned the company and they are looking into it.

Oh well, as soon as my father is back from walking the dog, I'm going to help him with an unknown computer issue and then go to bed, hoping that once I get up again, everything works fine.

I need my internet! *sighs*

edit: it seems the mistake was related to the switch in so far, that the telekom decided to cancel my connection ... so for the moment I still have it, but depending on how well the switch works I might be offline for some time somewhat during this month. Then again tomorrow evening my parents head off to turkey for a few days, so I could use his pc.

seriously they got a new time schedule for classes at the school I am currently ... new times suck plenty, now I have to get up 5 a.m. or strech everything out over the next four weeks and travel 5 hours to get 1,5 hours of lessons. I'm so pissed off. This time I really, really feel like I am just wasting my time.

The techniques of the teacher aren't very diverse, as the classes I go to are either super interested or so desintrested that nothing works anyway. The most enlighting fact will probably be the talk I'm going to have with the teachers on how they established that kind of co-operation with their pupils. And it probably results greatly from the fact that they have been with this class for nearly four years.

At least I could spent some time to work on my more detailed review of "The Dark Knight" where I am going to let out everything that bothered me, except maybe for a few tiny details that I don't recall or feel are too unimportant.

Also I want pizza, I don't care how expensive it is, in two hours I am going to take the car and drive into town and get me an extra large pizza with extra cheese!

... yeah, I know for some that already discredits my opinion about "The Dark Knight".

Still, what entertains me and what not is something no other person in the world can change. And frankly I honestly wasn't impressed with much of anything in this movie. Sure Heath, did a great job, but I was not too impressed by the character itself. I found the Joker extremely boring and repetitive. Not even a Game Master for D&D knows that exact what will happen. Somehow my enthusiasm for a villain who looks only dangerous because everyone around him is completely incompetent or a loser to begin with, does not cause me any excitement.

During the first few scenes I let a lot of things slide, because the action was good, but later on, too many questions and strangely convenient conincidences on screen caused me to feel annoyed. Not to mention the brain-dead dialogue. I do like my trashy one liners, but either you do it all the time like Batman and Robin, Charlie's Angels and what not - but you don't throw them in at random and certainly not amongst pompous sounding but dumb dialogue bits. It is just so pathetic to watch.

But I did it, I really managed to watch this movie in the original language in cinema. Now to something more exciting like a hot bath.

Okay, so in a way school was fun and interesting, but the fact that I spend 5 hours just getting there and back spoiled everything.

My mother was so nice to keep some of the fish and made it for me once I got home. But she used the garlic butter to make it in and as a result I got really, really nauseous.

After I felt better, because I slept a few hours, I wanted to eat someting to make the bitter taste go away and because I still felt slightly strange. I went to the fridge and found some Bolognese, but as I heated it up, it was already spoilt.

So in a desperate mood, I drove to MacDonalds and got some fries and chicken mcnuggets. I got a free glass as well. *sighs*

Yeah, I just got the CineMaxx programm for next week.

Those assholes still showing "The Dark Knight" again late at night, so I can't see it because I can't get a train home afterwards. Fucktards!

Why does the majority of this country has to consist of those fucking dumbed down idiots who just sit there and sheepishly watch that dubbed shit? If more people would protest, they could not pull of shit like that.

edit: BAHAHA FUCK YOU CINEMAXX FUCKTARDS!

Wow, the Cinestar is actually showing the DARK KNIGHT in OV regularly at 19:000 *wooo*

Now I just need to get a ticket as soon as possible! *whee*

Awesome, I never bothered to look at their program because in the past the never ever have shown a single movie in the original language version and now this change. *woot*

I can't believe it, those assholes are showing the Dark Knight on Monday Night, at 22:20! Hello? Those assholes must be out of their minds ...

So apparantly I do have to wait for the DVD. Got this country is really top of the line in dumbing down people with their "OmG we do such great dubbs" *grrr*

P.S. Does anyone know where to download it? It's not that I do not want to pay for a ticket, it's just so happens that I can't go at the one time it is shown here ...

My mother can be such a self-righteous bitch, instead of cleaning up her own mess, she is constantly bothering me about mine. Sometimes she is so arrogant and dumb, I just could smack her in the face right on her stupid nose.

I love being untidy, it's a sign of being free from her tyranny. Of a woman who loves a tidy room more than her daughter.

Deep down, I'm sure of it, she hates me. She wanted this perfect child who was just like her a workaholic and whose principal pleasure in life was cleaning up or looking into the garbage bin. The fact that at this point of time, she could not have my father was another thing. So probably should add, the perfect kid from the guy she could not yet have.

When did things get worse between us? When my father decided to permanently leave his wife and move in with her. At that point I was just an inconvenience.

Too late, I'm here, and she raised me to be extraordinary untidy. I can't wait to have my own flat once again, so I can be as messy as I want. I probably won't be able to invite anyone over for a year, but I guess after some time, when I enjoyed the freedom of not having some nagging bitch up my ass, I'll eventually begin to keep things tidy.

It's not that I have a general aversion against a tidy room, but cleaning up has to be something I want to do, not have to. For now looking at the untidy mess I sometimes have lying around is connected with this deeply routed feeling of relief and comfort. Although of course if everything is okay, I feel also relief, as in "aka the bitch can't complain about this". In truth if she feels like doing a little bashing, she will anyway.

I need a "I'm anything my mother doesn't like" icon, after a certain very cool Helloween song!

Well first photos from the three roads leading away from our house

( Cut for large photos )

Most pics did not turn out too well. My camera is not that rotten, I just never learnt how to make the most of it.

Anyway, the real disaster happened inside the house. As you know Mom was shopping with the large car. So instead of being grateful that she showed up unharmed, my "lovely" father bitched about how she left the car at the end of the village and walked on foot. Then he was pissed that the dog ran around him as he was outside checking and yelled at mom a bit more. Then when people called to asked what's up with the trees all over the village, my father got upset at her again. Then finally the firemen cut through a passage and the managed to get the car by driving through a friendly neighbours yard. Again, he yelled at her, as she wanted to take out the groceries. So he drove off with half of them still inside (Mom saved my Pepsi first, wasn't that nice of her?)
Anyway, after the mayor left the home, I showed her how our fruit bearing trees were damaged in the backyard, when my father returned and yelled some more for Mom's cell phone. As she went to get it, I asked him if it would be alright for me to use the waiting time to get at least the stuff for the fridge out. Then he agreed to put in the work shop, noticed that Mom had not brought him DVD-RWs, but DVD-Rs and yelled at her some more.
At least my uncle laughed at the crack I could not help myself making, about the fact that I am in no danger whatsoever to end up with someone my father. *sighs*

What an evening! Not to mention now I can't see Tersha on Saturday, damn, it's like some higher power constantly comes up with ways to spoil our plans.

Okay, obviously I dislike going to the movies anyway. Back when I was still in Düsseldorf and virtually lived next to this huge palace - I went there in all the years, exactly .... zero times. Why? Those idiots did not bother to show movies in the original version. Düsseldorf is a major city with lots of immigrants who speak English ... WTF? Okay, the area around the Cinema was more the Islamic corner, but do they had Turkish or French Originals? NOOOOOO of course not ...

If I wanted to see a movie in English, what I could do was take the tram drive half an hour and go to a cinema at the end of town. I actually watched a couple of movies there - The second Harry Potter, the second Lord of the Rings, Spider-Man, Charlie's Angel 2 and one or two I might have forgotten. The last one I saw there was the third Potter.

What an awful experience, I like talking during a movie, but I can be silent in cinema ... this time around I was groaning and moaning and I could not stop myself. It was too painful to watch and such a big disappointment, that the next time I went to a cinema, was with idolizer when I visited her in May in Berlin.

I really like the movie "Iron Man" apart from a few minor things (like a truly boring villain) I enjoyed it well enough, but not enough to change my dislike about cinemas. Most movies have a lot of flaws and I can't help but wanting to say something about it, when I see it. Especially when it is such a rotten piece of garbage ... it enhances my enjoyment of a dreadful or not so dreadful expierence. But you can't do that in a theatre, you have to mind the other people.

Now I don't want to wait for the Dark Knight DVD, I want to see it. Even though it seems to be packed with tons of flaws, but that does not mean I can't enjoy it. As much as I like bitchin' about flaws, I also watch movies filled with them if there is one thing I like enough to carry me through the rest.

This for example how I can deal with Van Helsing, that movie sucks, but I like the Costumes, I thoroughly enjoyed Roxburgh's Drama Queen approach to Dracula, the Brides were sooo cool (yeah lines were often dumb, but at least they actually talked and went out instead of being white and boring figures groveling at D. feet) and shirtless Hugh Jackman did not hurt either.

But it seems that chances of seeing the movie in Bremen in the original version are slim, but I just discovered very well hidden that they do have three showings of Hancock in the Original Version and two of Kung Fu Panda (everyone involved with that project should be tortured to death - honestly five seconds of that Panda talking to me at the start of Iron Man showing was enough to warrant capital punishment for them). So I am hopeful, I even wrote to them an e-mail asking about it and thus hopefully showing that interest is there.

And I also complained about their Theme Evenings, called Ladies-Night and "Männerabend" (Men's evening). Normally I don't mind stuff like this, but the Ladies Night always features the most rotten garbage Cinema has to offer (think Sex and the City) and Men's Night has the interesting ones ... WTF? Please could they be less medieval, I think not.

As if the damn wheater and the flies aren't enough, now I have father bothering me as well. Typical for him to behave like a total asshole. I can't understand how my mother can possible keep him around, he is such a pathetic jerk. "I don't need anyone to tell me that the water is going again, I can find this out by trying. I'm intelligent enough." What a dimwit.

Then suddenly he decided that I said I had promised to take the dog for a walk once every day. Bastard, I never said anything like that. Not that I mind, but with this approach, he gained so much disrespect, not to mention with the whole add-on to his pulled out of the ass statement. I said I did not want to go while it is still so hot, because I can't take the heat etc. He said it does not have to be long.

So he does make an ass out of himself so that I can take the dog out for like five minutes? Not to mention that I think it be better for the dog if he can go a bit longer in the evening when I can let him off the leash, because nobody is left to jump at.

But no, Mr. Asshole just needs to feel big and important again, show us that he can push us around, just because he feels like it.

Otherwise would it have been so hard to ask: "Could you take of some of my responsibilites and take the dog at around 7 in the evening, so I can relax?"

I'd be happy to agree to that. But now he blew it. I can tell you he is not very intelligent, or otherwise he would not pull these stunts, that drive us further apart, when he is clearly whining about us not being close enough.

Living proof that age and parenthood do not make anyone mature, cause I don't know anyone as childish (or annoying) as my father.

I'll ask if it is okay for me to stay up a few night session and she terrorises me by making noise and cleaning up stuff? Well, mom, don't expect any thanks from me for behaving like a bitch. Guess who stays up even longer tonight and will cook a lot in the kitchen and walk up and down - see how much you like that.

Is it so much to ask to get a bit of sleep? Can't Psycho Mom clean up her own shit and leave me at peace?

edit: at least she wasn't complaining later on when I finally woke up after a bit of decent sleep, for being ungrateful about her disturbing me ...

I already knew that I'm childfree for a good reason. I couldn't stand to have some smelly, screeching baby or toddler around me. Only capable of eating, shitting and loudly demanding attention for needs I can only guess what they are. But it's not even two weeks and already I'm a nervewrack and fantasize about skinning my parent's pets.

They are so annoying, this is no holiday at all. Bad enough to have our neurotic cats around, but the dog on top of it, really, really takes the cake. Constantly there is something to watch out for, when I go for a walk, as soon as the cats are there, forget it, all this dumb animal does is strangling itself half to death in an attempt to run after the dumb beasts, who naturally always screech as if they hate the dog, but then again always go near it.

Honestly the next person telling me I'm missing out on something, not having kids, is going to get an earful.

I want some peace and quit, some time on my own, I'm so burned out, I can't have something around me all the time. *sighs*

Okay, finally I got all the cds (albums and maxis) listed in my mediashelf, 291 entries! That was certainly exhausting. But it is kind of cool to see the stats, 164 albums, 2 compilations, 125 maxi cds. Sounds a lot, but I bought a lot of it second hand for a few Euros or DM ;) Not to mention that some were presents.

But still, I got about three and a half compartments left with scores, soundtracks and some samplers (Bravo Hits, Zillo Club hits). Although I suspect that over time I will get rid of the bravo hits, as I will have a lot of the hits from there which I like on maxis or albums.

Apart from two lucky bids on ebay, my biggest source of cheap cds, was a shop in Düsseldorf closing and selling the most awesome Eurodance stuff for 1 Euro per piece.

But first I want to add more Books, already added John Sinclairs up to #50, discovered that for some reason #70 is missing (I thought I had the first 100 in the paperback series complete) ... and I'm thinking about going in my bedroom and taking another line of books, maybe the first shelf compartments of Series on DVD I own to get the ball rolling.

I'm only slightly unsure about how to add DVDs to the media shelf, I thought about going by directors, but I do not want to have them listed by directors, but the names ... maybe I go by Various DVD_Movie and DVD_TVshow ...

I think I will watch "The Covenant" again, it's such a nice movie with so much eye candy. I already saw it twice, once with normal audio and then the director's comment, which was very interesting.

Just came from another family dinner, this time with all my half siblings. No I don't feel like throwing up from all the food, but from all the lying and prentending.

It's one thing that my father used to beat me, but to pretend that he was Mr. Perfect Darling and then telling me that the only slap he ever gave me, was because I purposefully killed some fish really takes the cake. Slimeball, you beat me up with a huge wooden kitchen spoon, with your hand just for being a few minutes late. And I dropped the bag with the fish.

The only reason why he stopped beating me up is, because when I was still a teenager, I grapped a big knife and told him I'd kill him when he lifted his hand once more. And it worked, at first he did not seeem to impressed but he never tried to hit me again.

My mom is the one who only slapped me once in the face, because I hadn't cleaned up my room. (One of her hysteric attacks ...)

That is of couse not counting minor pads for being too loud or something else, after I would not have listen to verbal pleas. Which is okay, but the other stuff really sucks. I loathe them for acting as if had never happened, it's not like I haven't forgiven them.

Maybe they had to forgot, knowing what shitty parents them have been (not that some parents aren't worse, but they screwed me up good enough) they just could not live with the real version of what happened. I already forgotten a lot of stuff, especially the repreated emotional back stabs, when they turned into complete alien monsters lashing out at me for the silliest things (like turning when trying to fall asleep in our camping mobile). But some of those incidents where I was beaten I will never forget.

Just as I remember running upstairs to my grandparents, my father like rabid bull behind me and me diving under the eck table in their living room, being terrible afraid that he might hurt my grandfather. But father was too scared of my much tinier grandfather, because my grandpa was cool.

So I went upstairs, at least this way I don't have to listen to his lies.

Oh well, on Friday the vet told me that I should consider putting her to sleep - which is exactly the reason why I do not like that one too much. Hope on my monday appointment the other one is on duty.

I'm not sure that Chase will make it, but I think it's worth trying. She is weak and all that, but I don't feel that she is in pain. You don't put someone to sleep just because he is suffering for a few days and mostly sleeping.

Her eating has become slightly better and I do feed her more extra, but Chase is a real trooper, she doesn't eat her Critical Care from the bowl - but if I animate her or cut the vegetables, she does. Maybe she needs the attention. She is welcome to have it.

I had plan on doing something this weekend - but so far I think watching more than new bad movies or good old ones is out of the question. So far I spend my time watching two boring and dumb creature flicks "Bottom Feeder" and "Creature" - today I watched the last one I rented. "Stay Alive" good idea, horrendous plot holes, but all in all watchable ...

Before that I finally made it through Batman Begins. It's annyoing and boring, but I finally saw it. Hopefully Heath Ledger will be awesome as Joker and if the plot is better "Dark Knight" might actually be watchable. Because Liam Neeson and Cillian Murphy bored the shit out of me and Bale's Batman did the same. Please give me either a likeable hero or some really cool villains, don't bore me on both accounts please.

And yes, I do think Batman and Robin was the better movie of the two - more consistent, more entertaining and the characters were fun. People might not like the style of the movie, but honestly it was less flawed in many things.