Mistress Darkness

Almost forgot: Weird Joker dream tonight

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:24:56 GMT

Even though I do not really like the movie, Ledger's Joker always manages to invade my dreams.

This one was really strange, I think my approval for the Sewing Fanlisting had something to do with it. Apparantly I was either working or shopping in a store where you can buy fabrics and stuff, when the Joker showed up there. I do not really recall what happened or if there had been others - I just remember I was picking out fabrics for myself, and he was standing around and talking to me, when someone new came in and found themselves pretty much dead.

Weird as dreams are, somehow this place was a house with a garden and it seemed that it was the hideout of the gang whatever. I think he tried to freak out my dream self, which just stayed calm, no matter what he did, which included close contact with sharp objects. In the dream I fell asleep again, woke up and it seemed that neither he or any of his gang were in sight so I quickly got out of there.

Kind of strange, during my run, the landscape looked sometimes like a half finished modeltrain scape, so really weird. Eventually, I found a phone at some post office (ironically, a typical German one, yellow with huge letters P O S T). There, I took out my purse and wanted to open the compartment with the coins, when I realised it was heavier and better filled than before. I slowly opened it, which was not easy, as some fumes came out. I decided to ask some of the guys who eyed me strangely to open it and threw it over. He just sneered at me, said something about weak girls and then opened it and keeled over as some yellow gas hit him.

Wow, was I glad I did not open that, funny thing is my dream self was not even surprised at that. The real fun part was, that the guy sitting next to the now dead on the floor guy, was the Joker. Which was indeed more worrysome, especially when the location seemed surrounded by more of his thugs. At first he just threatened my dreamself with a gun and then laughed and disappeared out of sight his goons following his example.

Weird or what?

20 days left

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:36:05 GMT

Wow how fast time passes. There is so much I wanted to do besides you know studying - but somehow with the flu and catching up I ended doing almost nothing. I guess I just need to focus for the remaining days.

I need to search for literature for my history term paper for my home university, I need to finish the final Essay for the Austen course, I need to work through the Foundation of Grammar terms to be able to write the test in week 10 and I also have a final exercise to hand in. Then one last assignment for Semantics in Week 10.

However, I want to work a bit on fanlistings and Maratofel as well. I guess, I go by a this for that system. For every real work I do, I do a bit of fun stuff.

Today, I start with cleaning up the place a bit, bringing away bottles to the recyling container, wash my laundry and also type up a few things, so I do not need to bring the papers back with me.

I think I spend too much on books & DVDs

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:25:53 GMT

So, today I bought a couple of books for 20 Pound, probably spend about 50 Pounds on amazon for used books and another 40 Pounds for new DVDs and such. But I think it was worth it. I had hoped for a jumble sale and to get some cool books even cheaper but times are hard and rare books that are worth something cost.

So what I got myself today was (apart from birthday presents for friends) is

Invaders from Mary by Ray Garton (the novelisation of a childhood fav)
The first three books of the Mallory Towers series (to Germans better known as Dolly)
A sci-fi Novel by Steve Perry which sounded interesting
A vampire novel(I think it is a one) called the "Light at the end"
A werewolf novel called Wolf Tracks which seemed to be a classical story
A Dark Sun novel called The Verdant Passage
And three others

I also ordered several V books, not all have arrived yet, but some are shipping in from the US.
I'm keen on Pursuit of Dianna, as it is the one I have not in German.
Today the Alien Swordmater arrived which is my favourite from the series.
I got three others and three more on the way.

Otherwise one Shadowrun Novel and one of the Battlestar Galactica Series (the most expensive purchase) but I love this one.

DVDS: Blood Ties Series, Bourne Trilogy, "won't say", Once bitten, Who framed Roger Rabbit, Airplane I and II and Primeval Series 3 (which I haven't seen yet).

I guess apart from Watchmen Director's Cut I am done ordering anything this year.

cold, busy and homesick

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:49:34 GMT

Well, I know I could have started working on this earlier and not spend so much time playing Civilization or working on my fanfiction and webstuff. However, I am not complaining about the assignment. Tastk 2 is actually something I can do very well and Task 1 should be managable.

As I have to print the out tomorrow at the IT centre - I thought I might book my flight with ryanair and print out my boarding pass (yes, I long to be home for soooo many reasons). What did I realise? For only 35 Euros or Pound (not sure which) I can take along a second piece of luggage with additional 15 kgs! Wow, so I guess I see how many cool stuff I get in the next two week and then I book my flight accordingly. That is too awesome and too cheap to ignore!

I just wonder if I will get any problem with the tax although I am not sure how that works for second hand books. But it uplifted me a bit in spirits. Sarah, the girl who lives opposite from me and also goes to my home uni in Germany, feels just like I do. We have to be here, the semester abroad is a must not a choice, we talk way too much German all around and we count the days till this experience although not regarded as a bad one by either of us is over.

Which reminds me 44 days left. In 44 days at this hour I will lie in my awesome bed which is not too soft, not too hard, has no feather sticking out, is not lumpy, does have really soft covers, with an inviting pillow that is not flat and constantly falls into the space between matress and headboard.

If not for the time pressure regarding the work load and assignment, the dumb cold that prevents me from going to the gym to exercise I would actually be rather content. I guess the latter bothers me the most. As I feel drawn to my super awesome ice-cream. NOw I will finish task 2 of my assignment and then make another layout for maratofel.net on which I worked way too long today already.

Today I craved ....

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 18:50:57 GMT

... and got myself a pizza, the event was fairly expensive as I also needed grated cheese to avoid the thing becoming an oversized cracker. However, ordering one would have been even more expensive.

I cannot wait till I am back home. I just have to try and not eat everything good I missed at once. Like a real pizza, this one was barely adequate but at least it stopped my kraving for the time being.

Otherwise I am a bit behind with my assignments, mainly the paper I have to end in at the end of this month :( But it is not something complicated to write just time consuming.

Now that I have solved my not so urgent problems, I might have time to finish it. What are my not so urgent problems? Well, I need to figure out what to do about my extra weight when I travel back in December. I still want to go to the second hand book shops and see what I can find and that will amount to tons of extra weight. Especiall considering the orders I made via amazon.co.uk so far.

I bought two Games equaling 2 ordinary DVD cases with one single DVD, the Ultimate Bourne Colleciton three ordinary DVD cases with one DVD. I got the three Sidney Sheldon books from ASDA, then there are the Austen books I brought with me (those alone weigh 1,2 kgs) and I ordered more today: 2 old movies and the Bloodties DVD set. Althoughn if they still can get it another movie. It is free of charge but of course I do have to think about the extra weight. If I take 2 kgs more with me I am over the limit and I can only store it in my hand luggage to begin with. *sighs*

But then again I also leave something things behind and if necessary even the big 1 kg towel. I guess maybe I do not need to sent a package - but if I do, then I will only if I have over 2 kgs otherwise I just pay the extra fee at ryan air and have it all with me. It is not that bad here, but I guess that I think about the day I return constantly is a sign that I am not that amazed (except maybe by the no delivery charge from amazon ;)

Update Measurements

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 13:08:00 GMT

And another boring post to keep track of my weight loss progress:

	Breast	Below Breast	Waist	Ass/Hip	Thigh	Weight
1997:	95 cm	82 cm	72 cm	117 cm	65 cm	86,9 kg
2008:	121 cm	103 cm	102 cm	144 cm	84 cm	130 kg
Oct 2009:	109 cm	94 cm	95 cm	132 cm	76 cm	116 kg

October 2009: Looks like I lost 12 centimers around hips and thighs! I still got a gigantic ass - but it is shrinking - breats are getting smaller as well, so hopefully I will fit into my old, cool bras by the end of 2010.

Overview over my exercises in Sussex

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 12:57:43 GMT

I registered on Tuesday the 29th September 2009 for a Gold Member Ship of the Falmer Sports Complex - which gives me unlimited access to the Fitness Room there. Now, the table below shall document how well I made use of it.

DAY	DATE	TIME	Type of Exercise	kcal
WE	30/09	6pm	Cardio: 30 min Bike / Weights	250
TH	1/10	5pm	Cardio: 10 min Stepper / 30 min Crosstrainer	520
FR	2/10	-	-	-
SA	3/10	4pm	weights	-
SO	4/10	-	-	-
WEEK 1
MO	5/10	9pm	Cardio: 33 min Bike / 9 min Stepper	360
TU	6/10	8pm	Weights
WE	7/10	8pm	Cardio: 30 min Crosstrainer	370
TH	8/10	-	-	-
FR	9/10	8pm	Weights	-
SA	10/10	5pm	Cardio: 30 min Bike / 5 min Stepper	320 kcal
SO	11/10	5pm	Cardio: 30 min Crosstrainer / 5 min Stepper	460 kcal
WEEK 2
MO	12/10	9pm	Cardio: 31 min Bike / 9 min Stepper	380 kcal
TU	13/10	8pm	Weights	-
WE	14/10	9pm	Cardio: 30 min Crosstrainer	320 kcal
TH	15/10	8pm	Cardio: 10 min Stepper / 30 min Crosstrainer / 20 min Bike	650 kcal
FR	16/10	weights	-	-
SA	17/10	-	-	-
SO	18/10	4pm	Cardio: 10 min Stepper / 30 min Treadmill / 20 mim Bike	585
WEEK 3
MO	19/10
TU	20/10
WE	21/10
TH	22/10
FR	23/10
SA	24/10
SO	25/10
WEEK 4
MO	26/10
TU	27/10
WE	28/10
TH	29/10
FR	30/10
SA	31/10
SO	01/11
WEEK 5
MO	02/11
TU	03/11
WE	04/11
TH	05/11
FR	06/11
SA	07/11
SO	08/11
WEEK 6
MO	09/11
TU	10/11
WE	11/11
TH	12/11
FR	13/11
SA	14/11
SO	15/11	4pm	Cardio: 30min Stepper, 20min Bike	580
WEEK 7
MO	16/11	-	-	-
TU	17/11	8pm	Weights	-
WE	18/11	-	-	-
TH	19/11	8pm	Cardio: 30min Stepper, 30min Bike	630
FR
SA
SO
WEEK 8
MO
TU
WE
TH
FR
SA
SO
WEEK 9
MO
TU
WE
TH
FR
SA
SO
WEEK 10
MO
TU
WE

Interesting Color / Personality Text

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 01:24:37 GMT

Found this on http://www.big-limos.com/what-your-limo-color-says-about-your-personality/

Black - Many people assume that the color black symbolizes nothingness, when in fact black is truly the opposite of that. Those attracted to the color tend to be comfortable in situations that would give others anxiety, they appreciate attention, avoid confrontation and appreciate simplicity.

Apart that I sometimes look for confrontation, it fits me very well.

To-do-list for my first day on campus

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 13:18:13 GMT

Maybe I post a backlogged entry about my journey later on ...

Find out if I have a phone number

Ask about delivery of parcels

Determine what I need to cook and so on

Buy pepper and salt for today

Shop online for everything else including a hairbrush

Hand in inventory list

Sort my stuff on the shelves ...

Find out where I need to go tomorrow

Order books for my courses

Tomorrow I will check out the fitness facilities, my legs look so horrible from all the lost fat. But I am highly motivated, the change of scenery is good and despite sweating in the heat here, I find the climate much more agreeable than back in my small village in Germany.

Not fair!

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 09:12:44 GMT

I had just had the coolest dream and my mom woke me up. She is playing tennnis today and wanted to say goodbye to me. I understand that but man ....

The dream was awesome enough shortly before it ended. My dream self was always visiting a small zoo with very rare animals, and flirting with the care takers who strangely enough were armed. As it turned out later in the dream, the zoo was in some enclosed Eastern Europe nation and I was the daughter of the military right hand man of the country (and he looked familiar, but I do not remember the actors name).

Now, it seemed that I had a relationship with one of the caretakers who was accompanying my father somewhere and in the meantime teased one of the other caretaker a bit who I obviously had dated previously. He was abit worried because one of his co-workers had been murdered and he was afraid my father might have something to do with it. But I told him something about, that contrary to what everyone believed, I do not sleep with everyone.

Then we saw on the monitor that my father had returned and he had four members from the Criminal Minds BAU team with him. It seemed a bit as if they had been drugged (Angela Merkel was also there but who cares?) While my dreamself was totally drooling over Derek and my colleague said: "Wow, your dad really got someone to look into those killings." I was woken up.

10 minutes top and I bet my naughty dream self would have made Derek feel very welcome *sighs*

Update on preparations for England

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:36:30 GMT

So tomorrow around this time I expect to be on a train in England, and I still need to pack but first I want to sort out my computer stuff.

Copying all the necessary files to my notebook and external hard drive. As I am totally hooked on Criminal Minds since the last season arrived I also work a bit on icons for my newest adopted fanlisting: Aaron Hotchner fanlisting.

Movies I have already transfered to the drive are:

12 Angry Men
Berserker
Blade
Blade II
Casino Royale
Clue
Ivanhoe
Nightbreed
The Condemned
The Lost Boys
The Matrix
The Matrix Reloaded
The Patriot
The Scorpion King
To catch a thief
TRON
Underworld

Those TV shows:
Blade
Criminal Minds
Kindred: The Embraced
Moonlight
Neverwhere
Robin of Sherwood

A bit of comedy
Kalkofes Mattscheibe Season 3
Switch Season 4 (maybe I'll add more if I got the space)

I'll probably add the two Mummy movies next ... oh and Watchmen of course!

Forbidden Kingdom

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:19:40 GMT

Well, the beginning was very disappointing - but then again I expected it. Originality is not very widespread in movies and when it comes to kid accidentally dropping in magic kingdom, it is always the same: kid is obsessed with something, gets into a conflict with bullies and tada ... *snort*

After 40 minutes the excessive fighting gets a bit boring, but occasionally they get back to the story, so oh well ...

But it seems that the movie will not rise above average at any rate - but then again I have not given up. I wonder if they make something out of it or if the kid is really just a moron who will end up being a kung fu master at the end nevertheless. I mean that boy watches nothing but Hong Kong Kung Fu movies. Then he asks the drunken immortal to teach him and ends up in a field learning how to swing and complains about when his lessong going to start? I mean, seriously, I saw about two dozen Hong Kong flicks and even I know that they always have to do some stuff like that to learn some basics.

The villain is also quite boring. A fancy pansy with ego problems and no style. Hell, he can not even put on some decent make-up ...

At least I get a kick out of Jet Li and Jackie Chan torturing that idiot maincharacter. And there is some eye candy: The girl traveling with the guys is gorgeous and the assassin the villain sent out is smoking hot.

And while I am at it: The person who made the German subtitles should be shot, the gorgeous girl talks of herself in the third person. Hello? Why change it in the subtitles? *argh* Fuck, fuck the other dubbs are totally rotten as well. Do these guys not even watch the movies they are dubbing/subtitling?

Now for the spoilerish part .....

Near the end, the fight scenes got more interesting and funny, the routine chick against chick fight was stopped by Chan's character taking over and killing the hot chick. Then more per accident the kid kills the main bad guy and as her final words the gorgeous chick used I - something totally lost in the subtitles.

But I really liked the ending - it lacked the clichee romance ending by having the girl die.

Of course there is the real world ending - that sucked balls. Could not have been more cliched and boring. I feel like throwing up. Almost like after watching Stardust, I love the book, I was okay with the movie till Robert de Niro showed up and I hated it after the ending.

late night shock

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:16:14 GMT

I tried to delete my community and instead my journal got deleted.

Schwanzstuckerl ...

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 19:35:42 GMT

... at first I just cringed with laughter, when in an English movie some supposedly German character used this word (along with other badly pronounced and thus barely recognisable German words). Now, I am just getting annoyed. Seriously, we live in the age of the internet, is it really that hard to go to a German chatroom and ask the people if that sentence sounds remotely German?

On the imdb.com I read that they re-dubbed the German in the first Die Hard and let me tell you, it was necessary. Heizehaus is not a German word, and if you refer to a level you do not say the simple number (thirtyeight - achtundreißig) we have an equivalent of 38th as well and it would be "Er ist im achtundreißigsten ..."

Another favourite of mine is when the characters say something and then you have English subtitles with a "translation" that has often nothing to do with what was being said. Considering how bad the German is often (wrong pronunciation, bad grammer etc) they probably just guessed. Like in Eurotrip ... "I sexually assaulted a horse ..." oh no wait, the German was good, the actor was a German - so we can assume whoever put the subtitles in was just as horrible at German as the main protagonist and happened to be preoccupied with fucking horses ...

Honestly, when Germans refer to a penis (apart from using Penis - which is also used in German) you have: Pimmel, Pullerman, Schniedel, Schniedelwutz, Dödel, Prengel, Willie, langer Egon, bestes Stück, Schwanz, Glied - but never ever Schwanzstuckerl oder Schwanzstuck. I guess most of the words are too easy to pronounce and nothing amused the lazy scriptwriter more than making some actor/character sound like a total moron to anyone who actually speaks German.

Nonetheless, I still roar with laughter in all those Nazi movies, because how English-speaking actors pronounce "Führer" is truly funny.

Normally I am against the death penalty

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:49:06 GMT

but whoever hired to guy who dubbs House in German should be executed - in a slow and painful manner. I nearly threw up, that is one atrocity that further cements my opinion to stay the hell away form anyhting dubbed for tv. Not to mention that most movies these days are just as worse.

*sighs*

Oh well, I know why I stay away from German dubbing, it is a talentless shitfest that nobody should have to endure - but the mindless drones in front of their tvs are so used to this fake rape of language, style and interpersonal communication ...

But today was okay, I am bit tired as I went to bed at 3 am and then got up at 6 am. I arrived at 12:10 am, dropped off my things and talked a bit with idolizer and then left to go to the Aquarium, so she could work. Then we watched Kalkofes Mattscheibe and my throat and stomach still hurt from laughing so much.

Now it is time to warm up my supper ....

I ate something bad ..

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 21:14:16 GMT

.. or for some other reason I got this pain over my heart when breathing again. Woke up at 6 am and could not sleep but I did not do much either, except drop off my books at the library and go shopping.

Right now I just need to get going, packing, making food, prepare the stuff for my rabbits ...

And then get up again early! My timing sucks - what else is new?

But tomorrow - Berlin and idolizer *yeah*

Forgot: Photos of my kennel and my rabbits

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 09:19:02 GMT

They are pretty large, so I give a link to the big size along small preview image:

The brownish one is Oz, the grey/white one is Spike and Chase is the black/white furred rabbit the female and naturally the boss of the gang.

now back to dinner

as always

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 09:11:00 GMT

I did not finish my list .. but I guess at least today I will manage to clean up the rest of my room and the kitchen (I did clean up a lot, I just lost the will and energy to clean up more after a certain point).

I think right now I will focus on making dinner and then I see what I can do about completing the list.

make some icons, no matter what fandom just a bit time of time for icon making
finish the september van Helsing wallpaper and upload it
finish the next chapter of my scorpion king fanfiction
maybe even clean up a bit more
clean up the kitchen
excercise a bit
edit: also clean up the old kennel *örks*

a lot to do today ...

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 08:21:26 GMT

My plans for today are as follows:

~~get up early~~
~~shop at OBI~~
~~fix up my rabbit's hayrack~~
~~clean the rabbit kennel some more~~
~~clean the items currently in use~~
~~clean the items bought at OBI today~~
~~re-furnish the kennel~~
~~enjoy my rabbits exploring their made-over habitat~~ wow and it is not even 1 pm!
~~finish making codes for the Aaron Hotchner fanlisting~~
make some icons, no matter what fandom just a bit time of time for icon making
finish the september van Helsing wallpaper and upload it
finish the next chapter of my scorpion king fanfiction
maybe even clean up a bit more
clean up the kitchen
excercise a bit
edit: also clean up the old kennel *örks*

wow that is a lot to do ... but yesterday the girl whose rabbits I took care off since my last visit in Berlin came by and brought them to their new home. I miss them but I am also glad that it gives me the chance to prepare the rabbit kennel for my abstinence. It used to block acces to both windows and now it will only be the oneand once the hamster terrarium is gone, I think one might be able to access it from outside the kennel. At any rate it will be an improvement.

I finished the pants!

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 20:17:01 GMT

Okay, the photos are super, super awful but here they come:

Moonlight

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:32:14 GMT

Oh boy I love this show!

I finally caved in and put the first DVD in ... (I should work on my last term paper first but ...) this show has many flaws but that does not matter because it also has a distinctive charm to it. There is this flair of vampires being out there in secret and that one day you might be the one to stumble into someone's life and find out that he really is something supernatural.

I know it is not real and nothing beautiful like that will ever happen in this boring real, totally non-magical world - but a girl can dream and Moonlight feeds this longing for this rare kind of magic that I have inside of me.

While Moonlight has this "Omg it is horrible to be a vampire ..." in form of Mick's lack of acceptence for himself, he is the only character in the show that feels that way and unlike so many other shows wiht immortal beings, Moonlight does not strictly try to portray immortality in a bad light, like for example, Highlander with "poor me, I am immortal" and Charmed "immortal equals being evil, unloved and/or miserable".

I guess that is also what I loved about Forever Knight. While Nick's attitude was somewhat aggrevating, it also had Lacroix who loves being a vampire and until they fucked up Janette's character in the third season, her as well. Sure, there was this annoying lecturing about "only humans can truly love blabla" eventually vampires were allowed deep emotions as well, even though mostly it all ended tragically.

Moonlight, I just have to admit, is now my favourite vampire show beyond comparism, because vampirism is portrayed just as I dream about it. Not with the rules, the sleeping in freezers and stuff, but the feeling, the possibilities ... vampires are incredibly dangerous there, they can be charming and/or good persons and yet terrifying and deadly, even Mick being the sexist hero in the shining armor and all his reluctance to accept his nature kills without flinching. Or the vampire who kills one of her freshies in a fit. Most importantly vampires are allowed to keep their human feelings, they are dangerous predators and yet they are motivated by the same feelings and thus when you become one you do not turn into a monster, you remain you - just with a strange new appetite you need to control.

I can't believe they cancelled this beautiful show, while cheap porn crap like Tru Blood gets a second season. But I guess the average viewer does not want to dream, they want cheap crap thrown into their faces, so they can stop thinking all together. I guess Moonlight will probably the last of its kind ... and that makes me feel really sad.

I hate family dinners!

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:00:24 GMT

Nothing is more aggrevating then having your stupid, insensitive family members gang up on you.

I did take my losing weight not serious enough the past weeks so I decided that September will be different. So today I already declined eating cake with everyone, I feel it might have something to do with why my father was so nasty when we barbequed. Normally, everyone at the table is getting stuffed, everyone gets informed we have that to eat and this and this is next. But as I had asked to eat the more fat-free turkey instead of the normal meat, I was being deliberately made feel unwelcome.

First, I barely sit down on the table (where I always sit) but this time, my father complained about it, I should vacate my seat so my mom can use it. My mother who already had chosen the other seat, because her glass of alcohol was sitting there. But I am not about to complain about trival shit like that, I was already complaining about the insane amount of flies (mainly because I always get told that my rabbits attract them, when in fact I have not nearly as much flies in my room, one or two maybe per week).

Oh well, so everyone is stuffing their faces (I was a bit late, I lay down a bit before, because the weather was making me feel awful) and I just dared to ask where my turkey might be. So mum tells me, "beh, we did not put any on, because you weren't here ..." nevermind I told her I be right down, I just needed to get up slowly because of my circulation. Then my father stinks around again with his bad attitude. "No, that's a lie, I put something on, it just needs time ..."

Okay, no problem, as everyone was already happily eating, I decided to get something to smash a few flies, while I had nothing else to do. Then my sister makes fun off me, for trying to at least kill a few, so I do not have these disgusting things landing on me every second. I decide to go upstairs, to calm down and to avoid saying something nasty, because I was getting really aggrevated, considering that my sis-in-law felt the need to interrupt me earlier to ask me "blabla bla bla goat cheese?" So I look at her, because she knows the stuff repulses me, I only eat two kinds of cheese and those taste very much alike. Eventually asks me a properly whether I liked that stuff. So I tell her, no, I do not. I think more than the fact that she did not remember something she had already known about me, I did not like her tone, because, you have no right to get pissed off if someone does not understand your question if you ask the person when she is otherwise occupied.

Upstairs, I calm down a bit. I got the idea that maybe putting something on that has long sleeves might eliminate a bit of the disgust I feel downstairs as it minimizes landing locations for those disgusting beasts.

So I come down and immediately have to justify myself again for not wanting to eat some disgusting stuff. My sister asks me: Do you want one of these? I say "No". That should be enough, but noooo, I just have to explain why I do not like these, then I have to explain why I find something disgusting that is made of three things I probably would not eat unless I was really close to starving.

Then I get this tiny piece of meat, while everyone else has tons of stuff being offered. So naturally, being in the bad mood I already am, I made a sarcastic comment about "wow, this is really huge"

Then mum goes on bitching, "I can take out more for you". Naturally everyone else did not have to ask, because food was just standing around the grill waiting to be put on it, whether anyone wanted more or not - but for me she has to make the effort to go to the kitchen. Then my father goes on about, boho, nobody else complains - just you. Well, Hello? Everyone else got treated like a guest, not like a party crasher who made obnoxious requests.

So I decide to do the only sensible thing, I take my plate and go back upstairs. In the kitchen I tell my mom, she need not bother with putting more on the grill, I was going to make it in the frying pan. So she bitches some more, because how could I possible dare to complain about getting treated like the fifth wheel on a car? But luckily I did, boy this turkey tasted like shit. It was dried out and whoever put salt and pepper on it, hated me. So at least now I got two more pieces I can make myself later on when I feel better. Cause I promised myself I will not eat anymore when I am upset.

Seriously, this weight loss thing is working wonderful, now that I am more disciplined again, I will lose it even faster. I am now again below 120 kgs and it is going to stay that way!

Man, I had hoped writing this down and venting would help me calm down but I still feel really aggravated. I guess I need more time to settle down.

Things you think when watching House ...

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 12:31:35 GMT

Hmm, you know I never thought about maybe not doing too good with raw cow meat - but lately I have been re-watching Season 1 and 2 and I realised, yes there is something like that ... and I think I ought to test this. I did not had any of these leg cramps when I ate mostly chicken and stuff, but wow as soon as I ate my favourite sinful fatty food, they start and my digestion is a bit jicky too.

Second thing I might try and look into ... that slight diarrhea I am experiencing, although not too annoying maybe it is caused by too many artificial sweeteners. I try and drink more water and tea in England ... should be a wonderful test.

As an additional note, my flat screen monitor is dying. At least I think so based on the stripes and the dark are on the left of the monitor. Before I went to bed it was briefly gone but today it is back ... I guess I have to look at the possibility of having to buy another monitor. Or go back to my old compact, bulky monitor.

I guess I could wish for one for x-mas.

Just came back from a funeral

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:59:48 GMT

Our sick, old cat Merlin was even worse than usual, not that I had not thought it would be better to end his suffering days ago. But this gave me a good reason to finally consult the vet, and she revealed that Merlin was even worse than he looked. And trust me he looked sooo awful.

So I decided, that even if my parents felt otherwise, that I should have him put to sleep. Why is that so hard, even with an animal that can hardly stand and is barely eating anything anymore?

My brother dug the grave and I arranged the rest of the funeral arrangements. It seems everyone but my parents thought it was the best and yet I feel so guilty and bad about being the one to have made this decision.

I hate waking up like this ...

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 09:17:56 GMT

... I hate it, hate it when the first thing I hear in the morning is when my mother feels the need to re-arrange the dirty dishes as loudly as possible. (Yep, the same women who complains about me washing them too late or too becauset he noise disturbes her at least sometimes ... and yet complains other times that I haven't done the dishes around these times.)

Then she leeches around my kitchen radiates her bad mood and is muttering like a brain-dead amobea. Gosh, sometimes I feel like clubbing her with some heavy object. I am soo not going to miss that in the future. Hell, I am probably not even going to miss her. Last time I had my own flat, her presence only annoyed me while when she was away she would always take the time to call and actually listen to me.

But around here she just has to aggravate me and work herself up to a frenzy and then yell some more. If I ever become that old and bitter, will someone here remind me to jump of a building? A very high one?