Mistress Darkness

Hmm, you know I never thought about maybe not doing too good with raw cow meat - but lately I have been re-watching Season 1 and 2 and I realised, yes there is something like that ... and I think I ought to test this. I did not had any of these leg cramps when I ate mostly chicken and stuff, but wow as soon as I ate my favourite sinful fatty food, they start and my digestion is a bit jicky too.

Second thing I might try and look into ... that slight diarrhea I am experiencing, although not too annoying maybe it is caused by too many artificial sweeteners. I try and drink more water and tea in England ... should be a wonderful test.

As an additional note, my flat screen monitor is dying. At least I think so based on the stripes and the dark are on the left of the monitor. Before I went to bed it was briefly gone but today it is back ... I guess I have to look at the possibility of having to buy another monitor. Or go back to my old compact, bulky monitor.

I guess I could wish for one for x-mas.

So I bring you up to speed what my life was about so far: Eating.

Seriously, after I finally got the click, I re-thought my eating habits and modified them. At the beginning of this month my weight was 135 kg and that is as you can guess way too much. But I guess I did not want to see it and always believed I would get rid of it somehow.

I think I already posted about founding a support group but I do not need it. The new eating habits leaving me often so stuffed that I can not even manage to eat what I should consume to give my body enough to go on without going into super saving mode. My stomach is a bit of a problem and the fact that I am used to eat a lot at once, sometimes even go to bed afterwards, and then not eat anything for hours.

Today was such a day, I filled my quota for friday by eating very late some fish with pasta in tomato sauce and right now I am only up to 600 large kalories. But the good news is, I lost over 6 kg already! I probably won't go down so fast in the overall process but if I only lose 4kg a month, by the time my semester abroad begins I will weigh about 110 kg and fit into more of my long abandonned clothes in the back of my wardrobe.

Maybe they even have some nice sport options on the campus in the University of Sussex, like swimming. I was so sad yesterday when I realised I don't get students savings on the card for the Ronolulu, which is the only option to swim here all year long. It is more of a family and fun bath and finding 30 minutes to swim in peace is only possible in the early hours of the day in the first place. So it is just too expensive, even if I manage to get fit enough to take the bike there. Why doesn't anyone open a swimming pool just for people who want to swim, take a shower and go their merry way? Why the fuck do they close at 8 p.m.? Why even sooner on weekends?

On Tuesday I am having another exam so I have to learn, when in fact I'd rather indulge in my newest obsession relating some Farscape characters ... oh well real life first, fun later.

Okay, if you are remotely interested in my ramblings about my eating and weight issues, you will find them at healthy_diet.

I already talked about about my problems and my new found resolve. Mainly I want to focus on controlling my eating habits - if you want to improve your eating and/or work on your weight, then you are of course welcome to join. I just want a little statement before you join, so I know you are not a troll or have other malicious intentions.

So bascially the last week was awful and yet not that bad.

I felt moody all week and did not get around to do as much for the university as I should. Although I still felt okay and thought I might use Thuesday afternoon to catch up. Wrong, first I got a bad headache, then I took something and my stomach began hurting so bad I skipped several seminars on wednesday. (Good news is, I later found out the first one I skipped was cancelled anyway and in the other one, the prof was also sick and we only heard the in-class talks of other students and called it a day).

Thursday I was not feeling much better, I made it through the first three hour seminar and then I had four hours free time and after 90 minutes I felt a bad headache coming up and with my upset stomach and no place at the uni, to sit calmly and try to see if that makes it better I went home.

On friday I felt moody and did nothing at all - bad plan, but I felt it was my free day. I workedon fanlistings, listened to "Gabriel Burns" a German audio play series and thought on Saturday I could get to work on stuff (apart from the fact that I cooked dinner and ate with my father because I felt he needed something to cheer him up). But in the night I got so awful cramps, worse than anything I had in the last 12 month at least. I still feel more pain than usual. It is almost like when I was a teenager and my menstruation run amok. So I slept alot and stayed awake till 4 a.m. tonight making icons for Casino Royale.

I also booked the ticket for Berlin, after finally getting a hold of my brother who said fetching me from the train station on Monday evening will be no problem.

Now, I still got 1,5 days to do something - however, I also greatly occupied with a heavy problem that keeps bugging me tremendously. My weight ... but I will not rant on it here. I decided to make up a new community, where I might find likeminded people who also want to talk about their problems.

2,5 hours ... well not really I still have to drive home. Luckily next week I got only the first seminar so I can go home early instead of hanging out form 12:45 till 17:15 waiting till "Theatre of the Absurd" begins.

At least I got some sleep and copied the entire texts for the Moskau seminar. I just need to prep the papers a bit and maybe re-work one of the texts which is almost impossible to read and then I can bind it in the copy shop! *yeah* no more collecting papers.

I also gathered some info for the next in-class talk - all the materials we were supposed to get from the library are taken. Typical for our lectors and profs not to put them on hold for the duration of the semester. I will have to e-mail him later about it. The guy I was supposed to meet did not show up at the library.

Although, I am so fat, I think I gained at least 10 pounds to my already considerable weight. I look so hideous. Not just the fat, I have not taken care of myself lately. I need to change that. Yesterday I eat way too much, but I needed the last big meal to be able to sleep. Full stomach always works as a knock-out bomb. I slept almost 6 hours before I spend the last two hours tossing and turning.

But I feel better - so maybe I can start to exercise a bit again. haha, but not today - I want my bed ...

edit to add: I did not get the Barbossa fanlisting, not much of a surprise and hardly a reason to feel sad, with three wishlister approvals lately, still I hated to find out about it by seeing the moved post.


Now, also if you see this and got a spare minute, please click on my dragons, new eggs are out and I am really low on clicks.

Yeah, I felt a bit strange all day, finished my paper handed it in (now I find out I could have sent it via mail *headdesk*) then ate something and went to bed so I could get up later and clean the kitchen and my room to start tomorrow on my history papers.

Instead, I feel hot, my whole boy aches and I wonder how long it will take till my nose starts running again (my throat is still sore, so no surprise there)

So I am going to make myself some tea, take a ibuprofen, smear myself with vick and hope this passes quickly.

And for my 30th next month I got one wish: health. Please? Can I have some of that?

So I gave my second lesson today and despite having a major headache it went rather well. Now I just need to write it down for the paper. I am a bit short on time - so it probably fit in rather nice that my other teacher companion was sick and I could go home earlier.

I will make something to eat, take two aspring (I am already loaded with ibuprofen) and go to sleep. Hopefully I get up before 6 p.m. so I can work on that paper.

BTW bad me could not resist a wishlister which was up for application. I do not think I will get it, nonetheless I had to try.

So I went to bed early, before 9 p.m. and now I get up and realise I am sweaty, my throat is still bad by nose is up even worse and I still feel tired. Yeah, it seems instead of going away completely (I had a sore throat and a blocked nose throught the past days) it returned.

Too bad I can't afford to miss another day. *sighs*

last night I thought my head might melt - such a bad headache. I ended up sleeping with an open window and a cold wet towel on my head and it barely helped.

Now I wake up and my head still hurts and worse when I cough it's like someone is poking some sharp objects through my forehead. FUCK FUCK FUCK!

So much for doing anything today.

Hmm I got the flu (yes again!) I am using up more hankerchiefs since sunday as in the rest of the month. Nonetheless, I went to the airport on sunday and brought my parents home. They are actually suprisingly nice, despite the fact that the dog shitted all over the house (I had expected them to blame this on me and assume I did not went out enough, which I did ....)

Also, our cat Lotti, got a big splinter in her eye in the night before they returned and again, suprisingly no blame was placed on me (being the one that let her out and not running around till 3 a.m. sick and trying to get her to come back in). Maybe my parents begin to grow up.

The bad news is, that Lotti's eye was damaged and if it does not repair itself with the help of the ointment she is getting, she will lose it. :( I know it is silly but I really wish I had not let her out - but you can not keep a pet locked up that wants to be outside.

Won't go to school today, or tomorrow, probably not even Wednesday. Oh well I hope tomorrow I feel better to write a few important e-mails for my term papers - I need to locate sources. *sighs*

So, it got worse and quickly, I ran out two times in the seminar and got the worst cramps (in the uterus, too - but that was just a side effect) and felt super shaky - but made it home alright.

Then I briefly felt better, but I think it was just due to the warmth of my heating pillow and of course the comfortable spot on my sofa.

Right now, I feel not too well, but not too awful. I got no appetite and feel glad that I have the bathroom next door. I wish I could take some ibuprofen for the cramps though.

*sighs* Will miss the exam tomorrow, but I went to see the doctor, he gave me something that hopefully will get me through the one on Thursday.

I tried to post this yesterday, and as I am lazy, I just backpost the draft:

It seems I got the stomach flu, I already felt sick during the last days, but I thought it might have been just a migraine (awful headache and nausea) - yesterday I thought it was because I had kept myself awake with too much Pepsi and today ... oh well let me put it in a not so disgusting way, I found myself fleeing to the toilet several time.

Now I am at the uni, and I try to make it through, but if it does not get better till tomorrow, I am off to the doc and I am going to get myself a document that I am sick - I already have the feeling my profs are going to hate me for it.

But I hope it might just be a temporary temper tandrum of my digestive system and that I am going to feel just fine tomorrow. But I still got an awful lot to do ...

I feel somewhat undignified.

Okay, so the questions were not that hard, but I always seem to find the wrong words even when I am sure that I know what I should explain. So I am super edgy and feel extremly nauseous.

I left my notebook at home today, because I need to read so much - so for the time being I am at a computer in the library where I copied a text for the other exam in two weeks and two hours. *sighs*

So now I will go downstairs and rent two books that I signed up for and then see how much it will cost to copy another text for a book report and/or get some energy drinks as I barely slept. Insomonia is worse than ever with me, but I think it might be stress related - too many worries about my future and too little relaxing via fanstuff.

Okay, now to check my dev account and then off to face real life. But please wish me luck that I found the right words to represent the meaning in my head when I sat down and wrote that exam just now ... (or is the word test?)

to have my in-class talk tomorrow, but I mix something up and then I go on focusing on my history exam with the sweet knowledge that I have completed the assignment. The weekend will be horror enough with the seminar and all that - but I think it would be wise to skip the Monday afterwards, I was wise enough to have one only missed one, so I can use it to relax my nerves later on. To be precise I could skip the Tuesday as well, but I like it far too much.

Oh well the only bad thing Is I have to stay longer this Tuesday, because I want to get a letter of recommendation from a prof for my semester abroad.

Now for some tea and a bit of resting in bed before I have to get dressed and go, as I need to go a bit earlier and could not have slept more than a couple of hours thanks to my leaking uterus. It is annoying how that piece of junk can botch things up for me. At least I had a semi cool dream, that had something to do with Agent Smith. Very hard to describe it was not really the Matrix and he had not the same function, but it was close - if at all he was less loathing towards our species (not that I ever have hold that against him) *lol*

... did not do one thing for history and put it all up till today only to get a headache.

I did not felt too well yesterday either, but I had such a pleasant chat first with idolizer and then half an hour later with O. for about an hour and a half, that I did not noticed so much. Although I decided at the end of the second call to get into a hot bathtub.

Then I noticed as the hot water makes me dizzy. So I went to bed early and thought I get up earlier today. Four hours and still my headaches is getting the best of me. On top of that it's the menstruation time (I am almost two weeks early ...) so no wonder I am not feeling my best.

Started to read a text for history, but my headache and the typical need of German historians to use as many complicated words borrowed from Greek, Latin, French and only-they know what, made it already worse. It sucks so much! I am sooo happy that in the Ancient Times Lecture, we mainly have English text - so much easier to understand.

Sometimes I get the feeling those German scientiest just try to hide their inadequacy behind fancy words.

Funny site note: Yesterday in the bath I noticed that crust about the size of a cent piece on my ankle and I wonder what I did to injure myself and when, cause I really don't remember ... It is so strange, I get bruises all the time becasue I am so clumsy and half of the time I don't even notice or remember, but this must have bled as it looks more than a little surfacial scratch.

... today my parents come back and I need to get them from the airport, but so far I don't have the car for it. I got the small old Jetta, but they will be very unhappy if I have to fetch them driving that one.
My brother apparantly took the big one for a ride and is gone since Friday evening. No clue when he will be back, there is no reaching him on the cell phone either.

Not to mention there are still little things, I have to clean up as the dog as usual made a mess.

I hate my parents pets, the dog, the three stupid cats - they are totally messed up. My parents are good at that. Not that they do it intentionally, but their inadequcy at taking care of kid or pets just leads to it.

At first I kept the dog with me, but the stupid thing always robs closer to my rabbits and then I have to grab her and pull her back. I don't have time for that shit. So now as soon as I get outside my door, the stupid thing is stepping in my path, bumping her cold wet nose into my ass whatever.

And getting out in the cold weather has gotten me slightly sick again and smelling that do all day, just helped along the fact that I feel naseaus. Time to make some tea, that should warm me up and I got one here that should help my stomach feel better, too.

Not to mention that I had terrible headaches and migraines from Friday to Sunday, just when I thought, yeah, migraine is gone, just a bit of a headache, it got worse again. All because I pulled something in my neck when the stupid beast (our oversized Labrador) had to jump with me at the end of the leash hoping to harrass some poor other dog or people we saw outside.

I really don't mind taking care of a dog for my parents, but the fact that they are so untrained makes it a fucking mess. I never dare to go away and leave a pet that unruly in the hands of someone else.

Thanks to all that I am terribly behind with uni stuff, even though my entire Thursday was canceled and I should have gotten the work done, but nooo ... *grrr*

Yesterday I was fully aware of the fact that we have now winter time ... but I forgot to actually change the time on my clocks.

I got up early today and spend some time working on the computer, then however I decided to fetch some breakfast and after that I felt a bit tired ... so just dozed a bit on the sofa. My computer turned off and I looked at the digital clock behind it. I saw it was time to leave. So I quickly put on all my stuff, got to the train, arrived very early in the classroom, turned on my notebook and saw the real time. *sighs*

I went off one hour too early. *headesk* Sometimes I am sooo dumb.

If that wasn't bad enough, my throat hurts from acid reflux and I haven't taken the meds with me. I suppose as soon as the tutorial is over (I already completed the first seminar "Marc Aurel") I will see if the shop is still open and get something to eat that hopefully helps with the icky and uncomfortable feeling in my throat.

Note to myself: Sew that new handbag and put your meds in, stupid bint!

... not the ideal basis for a nice day at the uni. However I just found my ibuprofen, so maybe it will get better.

Normally I have later, but I got to see a certain teacher about missing grades for the module and so I have to show up with all the assignments and prove that I did do them.

Then I have two hours to spare, where I will copy stuff in the library and then I have my seminars. I don't really feel like it, but I go there by car, so hopefully, I get home early. Now I just need to check upon the rooms.

It seems I can't shake off the cold, but tomorrow should be my last day at the school and my parents go on another trip to Norway (visiting the family my father has been quite close with since the end of WII) from the 1st to the 5th, which should give me some relaxing time after the 6th till the semester re-starts ...

I am soo looking forward too feeling better.

Honestly, everything went great and I had to screw it up.

I should have paid my fee for the university till the 15th August, but I somehow thought I had till the 25th! Now if I'm unlucky I will face exmatriculation and due to the nature of my studies will lose an entire year.

I know jumping of a building is no solution, but I certainly feel like it. I'm crying, my stomach hurts more badly than ever and I feel so down, I can't put in words. All my own stupidity.

Wish me luck, that somehow I can get around this, that there is some time frame where I can still get back in.